The Proving
by Scottea
Summary: Kirk needs to prove to Spock that he truly values their friendship and was wrong to ever doubt it.
1. Chapter 1

"Spock! No! Come back! Don't leave me. Spock!" James Kirk woke with a jolt and looked around him. It was the same room. He was still alone. Spock had left him here. The Vulcan now had what he wanted, he had the Enterprise, he was now the Captain.

Only now could he see it all. Spock had not resented having Commodore Collins aboard; he had been using that Vulcan aloofness to fool him. Kirk half-nodded. It was the sort of plan he should have suspected from that scheming half-breed. And he had it all planned. Spock had accepted that the Commodore should accompany them to do the inspection knowing that they would walk into his planned accident. He would save the Commodore and leave him. That conniving Vulcan would make it look like he saved the Commodore and could not save him. He would bring him here and leave him. Make up some story and leave him to these sadists. Damn! He had actually trusted that alien.

Commodore Collins had told him of his own distrust of Vulcans, of how they could not be trusted, of how they were always thinking, always scheming. Collins had told him how they would pretend to be loyal friends until they saw of way of helping their own kind. He had even warned him that Spock could be after the Enterprise for Vulcans. At the time Kirk had not believed him, not after all the years he had known Spock, not after all they had been through. Over the years he had heard so much about Vulcans not being able to be real friends even with their own kind so it was impossible for them to be friends with any other race or species. He had heard how only a fool trusted Vulcans to know what feelings were.

How stupid could he be? How blind? All this time, all those years he was being used. Now it had his ship and had left him to be used by others. Damn, he had believed that, that thing to have been his friend.

The door opened to his room, his cell, and a voice he was used to now said, "Feeding time." Although he was aware the food was drugged he still knew it was all he would get as food for the day. He was pulled off the mat that was his bed, made to get on all fours. While one man straddled him and tilted his head back by pulling on his hair and held his mouth open the other man poured the thick hot liquid poured into his mouth and stroked his throat so he had to swallow.. It was foul, it burned, but Kirk knew the punishment for not swallowing it. He also knew better than to speak as he had been beaten repeatedly the first few times he had and told never to ask questions, never to talk, to just accept his new life. He tried not to think about it after that, he tried not to think of how his body was reacting to the liquid.

"Been six days, tomorrow he will contact us and tell what he wants for him so we can keep anything more. So many places we could take him. He's young and fit, better than some of the others he's given us."

Before they left they poured the two buckets of warm water over him and left the two empty buckets in the corner, removing the one he had used for his ablutions.

They laughed as they left, "After he's been tomorrow you are all ours. We'll clean you up better for him tomorrow. Then your new life really starts."

He stayed still y still for a moment. He did not want to think about what had been said but it kept repeating in his mind. He had virtually been sold.

Slowly he got up. There was a tube in the wall he could get fresh water from. Just the tube, the two buckets, and the mat. They left him alone between feedings and that was the worst as he remembered the day he got there and Spock leaving him. He relived seeing Spock walk away over and over. He could not remember much before that apart from coming down with them but could clearly see Spock walking away from him when he closed his eyes. It often seemed like he could see it even when he was awake. No matter where he looked he seemed to see Spock walking away from him with Commodore Collins. A voice, he was not sure if it was in his head or not, kept saying, "Spock's not coming back for you. He's abandoned you. He's not coming back. Spock's abandoned you."

Time had no meaning. The guards, if that was what they really were, had done their daily task and left him. To hear it had been only six days surprised Kirk as he had not been aware, till then, of the passage of time. He was in a nightmare that was now his reality with the worst being the knowledge he had been betrayed by the one being he thought of as his best friend, the one being he thought would never abandon him. Even after they left him and he sat on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest he could see Spock walking away from him, hear that voice in his head, "Spock's not coming back for you. He's abandoned you. He's not coming back. Spock's abandoned you." He would sit for hours just hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, hearing that voice and whenever he opened his eyes he saw Spock leaving him, walking away, and abandoning him.

###

"Need I remind you, Science Officer, that the original purpose of this mission was to prepare for the first visit to Halton by senior officials of not just Starfleet but also the Federation? We were to come and ensure the facilities were ready for inspection a week before their arrival and to do what needed to ensure they were ready. While it is unfortunate that Captain Kirk was killed in an accident while inspecting the substructures with an inspection group we are to wait for the delegation without sending further personnel down. Is there any part of that you do not fully understand?" Commodore Collins sat in the command seat on the Enterprise and looked at Spock as he stood before him.

The others on the bridge could see that Spock was still in obvious shock at what had happened but that was only through years of working together. It had been five days since they beamed back from Halton and Doctor McCoy had kept Spock in Sickbay under full watch as he was not dealing well with the death. It had stunned all of them but they knew it would have a far, far greater impact on Spock. They had each other for their emotional support but the Captain had always been there for Spock. Now, now they knew Spock was truly alone. They knew that even though Doctor McCoy was closer than they were to the Vulcan that Spock was going through the torment alone. There was no denying the look of almost total disbelief on their faces at how the Commodore was treating Spock.

"No, Sir, I fully understand what you say but I must go back to the planet. I must find the Captain."

Collins looked at the Vulcan, "I admire your dedication to your former Captain, Mister Spock. You saw the site, you read the reports. It has been six standard days. You must accept the reality that Captain Kirk is dead and that I am now in command of the Enterprise. As my First Officer I expect the same dedication and loyalty from you that you gave to Kirk. Vulcans are known for their loyalty and dedication to their Captains."

"Sir, I again respectfully request permission to return to Halton for the Captain."

Communications Officer Uhura looked at the others there and saw how both Sulu and Chekov had slightly turned in their seats and Scotty had totally stopped and turned to watch. Standing just beside Spock she saw McCoy looking worriedly at the Vulcan. From where she sat Uhura could swear she saw a slight start of a smile on Collins's mouth as he looked at Spock


	2. Chapter 2

"Why, Mister Spock, that is as close to begging as I have ever heard of from a Vulcan. I have never heard of a Vulcan begging for anything. Your kind simply don't, do you? Your kind just doesn't beg for anything."

For a moment Spock closed his eyes and McCoy put a hand on the blue shoulder but Spock shook his head, opened his eyes and looked at Collins, "Sir, I am begging you. Please let me go find the Captain."

To the others it may have seemed a sign that the Commodore was thinking but Uhura saw just the start of a broad smile before Collins rubbed his hand over his mouth as though contemplating an answer before he looked at Spock, "Permission denied. Doctor McCoy, please take Mister Spock to either his quarters or Sickbay where I want him confined till he is able to function properly. Till he can control his emotions keep him off my bridge."

There was total stillness on the bridge for a few moments then Scotty walked over and wrapped an arm around Spock, "Come on, Mister Spock. Let's be getting ye back to Sickbay."

"Mister Scott, I did not say you could,"

Briefly Mister Scott half-turned and looked at Collins, "I may nae understand Vulcans, but ye do not treat anybody in shock like that. Are ye really so stupid or blind not to see it?"

"I will not be,"

As the turbolift doors were shutting they could clearly hear Scotty say, "Sit on it and turn, Sir."

By the time Collins did turn round Sulu and Chekov were looking ahead and Uhura seemed to be monitoring communications as usual. He had not seen the look the trio had shared. There was no way for him to know that any faith or credibility in his leadership was now totally lost. While it was known throughout Starfleet that the Enterprise had the best crew it was not so well known that the bridge crew were also a very closely knit group, almost a family, and to target one was to target them all.

Even as he watched them work he failed to see how Uhura had blocked his direct view of what she was doing. There was something about the way she was sitting that made him think she was more interested in her various panels and what she was hearing than in the view of the planet below. He looked around and knew he had the best ship and the best crew, or at least the crew would be once he had broken the Vulcan.

In the turbolift McCoy looked at Spock and saw how the man was just holding on to not only his sanity but also his control. It was clear that he was being kept upright largely because of Scotty's arm around him. Only once before had he ever seen Spock beg but this, this time had been far worse. That it had been on the bridge in front of the crew was bad enough but he had been made to beg by somebody who had no intention of granting his request and was deliberately tormenting him. McCoy could see that thin line holding Spock together was tighter now than it had been since they beamed him and Collins back to the ship without Kirk.

Collins said he had been about fifteen meters behind the group James Kirk was in examining the substructure of the new complex when there had been an explosion. He had been knocked to the ground and the rumble had buried Kirk and the others. Spock had been examining the computer complex about two kilometers away and knew nothing of the disaster till he told him and he had been surprised how all the Vulcan could think of was finding Kirk.

"My quarters will be sufficient, Doctor." The voice was no more than a whisper but both McCoy and Scott heard him and all that was behind the words. For the first time since the bridge Spock seemed to notice how McCoy was holding his arm and Scott had his arm around him, half guiding half supporting him. "Gentlemen I, I must apologize for my,"

"Ah, tis us you're talking to, Mister Spock. No apology needed. Ye rest." The engineer gave his arm a gentle squeeze, "Ye know where I will be if ye ever need me."

"Thank you Mister Scott."

The Vulcan was aware of the doctor slightly supporting him, watching him, "I will be quite alright on my own, Doctor."

McCoy guided him to his bed and made him sit down then looked down at the bowed head, "Now, I do not fully understand all that Vulcan mind stuff and that connection you two plainly have but you don't feel Jim is dead, do you?"

The head shook, "Because of our mind melds there is a residual link. Faint but there. There is pain, fear, confusion, and he is blocking me. It is almost as though he were afraid of me. At times I have been able to get through his barriers and calm him. But you are correct, I would know if he were dead. I need to find him before his mind is too far gone, Doctor. I need to get back down there and find him."

McCoy did not want to think of what it would be like for the Vulcan to know Jim was alive and needing him and not being able to do anything. At times it was hard to think of one without the other. Two very different personalities making a whole the way they did was something to behold. To think of one without the other. No. Quickly he reached into his pocket and rammed the hypo into the Vulcan's arm. Only for a moment was there surprise in the dark eyes then the slender body relaxed and McCoy pulled it all the way onto the bed, pulled off the boots, and covered his friend with a blanket.

Kirk occasionally went to the tube in the wall, drank some water, and tried to think of what had happened. They had come down, he and Commodore Collins had gone to check the substructure of the new complex and Spock had gone to check the new computer installation. There had been a stabbing pain in the back of his neck then he woke to see Spock leaving with Commodore Collins, abandoning him, leaving him here. He remembered the men this morning had said he would tell them when to have him ready. Which he? Spock. Spock was the one who abandoned him. Spock had not gone with him to check the substructure. Spock had it all planned.

No. For a moment he thought about being with the Commodore. Spock was there but the Commodore was also there. There was, had been something about being with the Commodore, but it was gone. That blasted Vulcan! He had been in his head, done one of those mind meld things and rearranged events. How would he prove it? For so long he had believed that most people had called Spock 'he' as though to somehow differentiate him from humans and for so long he had fought against it. But it was true. He was different. He was a traitor. Kirk looked around and saw again Spock walking away and leaving him. Everywhere he looked, even in the mist that seemed to periodically fill the room, he saw Spock walking away from him. Kirk would sit down and draw his knees up to his chest and rock trying not to think. Not too often but he found sometimes, if he closed his eyes real tight, he could block out the image of Spock leaving him but he could not stop the voice. He was no long sure if it were inside his head or not. The voice that repeated that Spock was not coming back for him. The voice that kept saying Spock had abandoned him. But abandoned him to what? And why? As he would hug his knees to his chest and rock Kirk realized how wrong he had been about calling that disloyal thing his friend.


	3. Chapter 3

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Spock woke slowly after the sedation McCoy had given him. As was true with many of McCoy's medications he did feel a bit ill but clearly his body had needed the time to adjust, time for him to let all he had thought and felt get back into order. Although he had believed Commodore Collins would refuse his request there had been an eleven point six percent possibility he would be allowed to go to the planet if he complied with the implied request. To not have done so, to not have tested that minimal percentage, would be unpardonable should it be found that Jim was still alive when they left and he had not exhausted all possibilities of getting to him.

He just had to think of a way to get to the planet as he knew Jim was alive but lost, frightened, and hurt. He had no proof but he suspected the Commodore was somehow involved which made things all the more difficult. He could have either transported down or taken a craft, both of which would involve other crew and he could not risk their lives nor their careers. There was no doubt in his mind that they would be willing to help but he could not put them in harm's way, even for Jim. Should he ask for their involvement and something go wrong that cost their lives but saved Jim's life he was certain Jim would forever blame him and he knew he would not be at peace with himself. No. There had.

There had been something about the way Mister Scott had gripped his arm, that look, the way he had said, _"Ye know where I will be if ye need me." _ His hand moved almost on its own volition to the communicator.

Chief Engineer Scott had been surprised when Spock had contacted him and asked if he could speak with him. It was not often the Vulcan really spoke to anybody when not on duty apart from the Captain and McCoy. They would exchange words and maybe briefly discuss something to do with the ship but that was about all. He accepted that the Vulcan was a very private person just as he knew the Vulcan accepted him as he was.

He well remembered the first time he had been to the First Officer's quarters, how he had been stunned by the contrast between the man in uniform and the man in his own environment. And an environment it was, akin to what he knew of Vulcan. When he entered he was aware that Spock had obviously lowered the temperature for him.

"Thank you for coming, Mister Scott, I know you are off-shift and have other things,"

"I told ye if ye needed me I'd be here. What is it, Mister Spock. How can I help ye?"

"I need to get to the planet. I can only do so by taking a craft or by transporter. I cannot,"

"I can arrange the transporter."

His willingness to help had not overly surprised the Vulcan as he had, over the years, come to respect the Engineer and consider him a friend. "I cannot ask you to risk your future in,"

"And just how would I be doing that if I were checking that wee fault we have with the transporter? Ye and everybody else knows when I am working on a wee problem I only see the problem not the people around me so if ye were to be there how would I know?"

Just for a moment the Vulcan was going to ask about the fault as he had not been advised of any but stopped. For a moment the two men just looked at each other in silent understanding and as a plan silently formulated without words passed. Finally Spock nodded, "What time is the repair scheduled for?"

"When ye want it." the Engineer grinned, "Being the so-called miracle worker I can make it anytime and if his upshot self wants to get to the planet while I'm working he can take a craft."

Despite himself Spock half-smiled, "You are talking about a senior officer."

Scott smiled back, "He may be senior but he is no officer. Do ye know where ye want to be beamed to?"

"I will advise you once I have confirmed my calculation. Do they have any form of shielding up?"

"Not since the Enterprise arrived. Should I tell the others?"

"No. It is bad enough that I am asking you to risk your,"

Quickly Scott reached out and briefly placed a hand on Spock's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, something so out of character the Vulcan looked at him, "Nae such a thing has happened. I just advised ye of a wee problem with the transporter that needs to be fixed. Now, what sort of a risk is that? And ye did no asking as far as I recall about the transporter. I told ye of the trouble with the transporter and that's the end of it."

Long after the Engineer had gone and while he tried to concentrate on the layout of the building he was certain Jim Kirk would be in, Spock found himself oddly comforted by the knowledge that while McCoy and Kirk were the closest friends he had ever had that there were ones like Scott around. He had seen, in the past, how the others: Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu, were there for him as well and he knew he only had to ask but he had not felt comfortable asking Scott for his assistance even though the Scotsman had made a logical argument pointing out how the decision was his own.

James Kirk stopped rocking and opened his eyes. It was still there. He still saw it. Spock walking away and that voice saying he was abandoning him. He remembered hearing he had been here for six days. Spock would not have left him here for that long. Spock would not have left him yet he had seen him walk away. He had seen him abandoning him. Spock had not come for him. He had abandoned him. Collins had been right in calling him a fool to believe he could trust a Vulcan. He had trusted Spock and Spock had left him here. Spock had abandoned him.

Not being certain what hours Mister Scott kept Spock hesitated for a moment before he touched the intership communications line and press his number. "Ye ready now, Mister Spock?"

"Might I ask how you knew it would be me?"

"Who else would be calling me at this hour? I'll be right there. Just tell me where."

Only on very rare occasions had Spock seen Mister Scott in civilian clothing and he could tell from Mister Scott's face he was equally as surprised to see him in civilian clothing. "Ye have the coordinates then?"

Spock set in the co-ordinates and looked at the man beside him, "I could set a delay. You still have,"

"And just how would ye get back up here if ye were a mite late? We've discussed it all we are going to." He held out a small communicator. "I best get on with the repairs that need doing. Ye just bring him home."

As the beam took him Spock found himself wondering how many of the others would suspect something was happening, how many of the others actually believed Jim to still be alive. There had been such absolute certainty in the Engineer's voice.


	4. Chapter 4

What he had thought from the plans of the building to be the most likely room for Jim to be hidden seemed to be a sauna. There was a warm scented mist filling the air. Steam vents in the floor ensured that there was no place the mist would miss. He turned to leave then saw the mat with a tightly curled naked form on it. Just for a moment he stood looking at his friend, he fought back an anger that was growing in him at those who had done this to Jim. He could see no signs of physical abuse but when he lightly touched Jim's face he felt his mind, his mind was in chaotic turmoil. Cautiously he took out his tricorder, the reading on the steam indicated a substance that was extremely hallucinogenic to humans. Any thought of a meld was out of the question. His main priority had to be to get Jim to McCoy as the doctor would know what to do for him.

"Mister Scott?"

No response. Now was not a time for the dedicated man to be engrossed in his work.

"Mister,"

"I'll be right there, dear. This repair is going to take me a mite bit longer as company has come to see what I am doing."

Collins. Spock had not counted on him appearing. Scott was, without doubt a very competent engineer, perhaps the best Spock had ever encountered, but his ability to prevaricate was no match for Jim's. He knew the Engineer had left the communicator on.

"Of course I check any reported irregularity with the transporter when it is quiet. Do ye want me to do it during an emergency? Do ye want to be the first thing I send though as a test?"

"No, no, I just thought it was an unusual time is all. Now I see that this is how you maintain your high standards. I will be beaming down tomorrow to ensure things are taken care of and ready for the others arriving the following day. I'll leave you to it."

There was two point one three minutes of silence then, "Had to make sure the blighter was well clear. Do you."

"Yes. Some attire would be beneficial."

"Beaming you now."

It had taken Spock almost all his strength to maintain his shields against the fear, confusion, and fury in Kirk. The one thing that blasted the most at his shields was the hate he felt in Jim towards him, even in his sleep a deep loathing of the Vulcan permeated.

Scott was quickly at the platform with a robe and wrapped James Kirk in it while Spock took a moment from holding his friend and strengthened his shields again before cradling the sleeping body in his arms. With Mister Scott walking ahead of them making sure the corridors were clear they were soon at Kirk's quarters and it had not surprised Spock to see McCoy waiting.

"Scotty, take Spock to my office, I'll be in as soon as I can and will let you know."

Three point eight four hours later McCoy walked into his office looking very old and very tired. Without saying a word he poured himself a drink, downed it, looked at Spock and said, "I better not find that Collins had anything to do with this. Jim is physically fine but, but they have filled him with so many hallucinogenic drugs and sedatives it will take him a few hours before he can have any visitors. Best to just let him sleep for now."

"He will be,"

McCoy smiled at him, "Give him a good sleep, Spock, some food, about twenty-four to thirty-six hours of sleep, and he should be back to the James Kirk we know. He will then know what happened to him and that whatever nightmares he has been having are nightmares. I remember at medical school trying a mild hallucinogenic and after it was worse than any hangover I have ever had. You go get some sleep," he looked directly at Spock, "Doctor's orders, Sir."

As Spock had left he paused and looked at McCoy, "Thank you for that, Doctor McCoy. I suggest you see to Mister Scott."

Collins had summoned Spock to the bridge and the first thing unusual the Vulcan noticed was that Sulu was not at his station, "I am beaming down. As you are the most senior ranking officer on the ship and Doctor McCoy says you have accepted the facts regarding Kirk, you are in command of the ship till my return. I expect to find you here when I return and Officer Sulu to still be confined to his quarters, understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

McCoy came onto the bridge after Collins had gone, saw it was just the usual five, "He's still sleeping. Had a moment of awareness and knows he is back on the ship." He looked at Spock, "I've got him in a safe room. He will be fine in time."

"Why is Mister Sulu confined to his quarters?"

There was no mistaking the looks exchanged among those on the bridge and Uhura said, "Just after he went down to check with Scotty he came up and ordered the building he had inspected to be destroyed, claiming he had permission to destroy it, Sulu and Chekov gave each other a sign and for some unknown reason there was a misfire and the torpedo went into the ocean about three hundred kilometers from the building. The Commodore almost had some sort of fit and ordered Sulu to his quarters till further notice after he had him lock us on standard orbit. He ranted on about not being sure how he could explain such an infantile error as he had everything else planned. He said he would ensure Sulu was never allowed on another ship for such an action."

Aware of the others looking at him, and controlling his growing anger at Collins, Spock looked at Chekov, Uhura, McCoy, and Scott then back at Uhura, "That will not happen. He made no mention to the Halton governing body?"

"No."

"Please get me Gowto Thap of their Security Department."

It took Uhura three attempts to locate the Director of Security.

"Mister Spock, is this about the unexpected attack on our planet? Commodore Collins said he was still investigating it when he briefly stopped by my office. He gave no immediate credible reasoning for such an action."

"That is because he ordered it, Sir. I have five senior officers and three other officers who will attest to the fact he ordered the destruction of a building of interest."

"May I interview those officers after the function tomorrow evening? It was a serious breach of trust."

"They will be here. Do not allow Commodore Collins to deny you access to them."

"Rest assured, Mister Spock, when I want to interview officers regarding matters that impact on the safety and security of Halton there is no known force that can stop me. I thank you for this information. I have noted the reluctance of the Commodore to be forthcoming with details he should have known."

"Thank you, Sir. Spock, Enterprise, out."

Precisely eighty-seven point five one minutes after beaming down Collins was back on the bridge and glaring at Spock then looked at Mister Scott, "Mister Scott, who were you talking to last night when I found you in the Transporter Room?"

"I," Scott was caught and Spock knew it.


	5. Chapter 5

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"You really do not know about us, do you?" Uhura walked over to the Engineer and hugged him, "He knew I was having trouble accepting what happened to the Captain and we were to have spent the evening together."

"What did he say to you?"

Uhura looked at Scott, "Only that what he was doing was going to take a bit longer as he was interrupted by a visitor, or something along those lines. I was mad at him at the time and annoyed he was being delayed so I was not really listening. But I now know who to blame."

Inwardly Spock smiled as this was a team, a family. Collins did not know what he had walked into. Clearly he did not see nor understand or appreciate what made this bridge crew so special.

"And you," Collins turned and Spock saw the rage in his eyes, "I want to know what you did."

"I was in my quarters as per your orders, Sir, reading."

"I want to know how you did it and who helped you."

"What are you referring to, Sir?"

"You know exactly what I am referring," Collins stopped himself and just glared at Spock, "I, I do not have time for this now. I want a security detail to take Mister Spock to the brig, isolation. Charges are insubordination. I will deal with him later. I must beam back down to check on things for tomorrow's function but when I come back you will answer my questions."

Chekov stood, "I am with security and I follow orders. Mister Spock, if you vill."

It was all Spock could do not to let a twinkle of laughter show as Collins looked at Chekov and the young man met and held his gaze, "I have put more senior officers in the brig, Sir. I know my duty."

Once they were out in the corridor Chekov looked at him, "It may take us some time to get to the brig but first Doctor McCoy needs to know."

Spock was relieved that McCoy had returned to care for Jim and did not know of this development. "I best go to the brig, Chekov, as Collins will check before he leaves. I thank you for the consideration."

"I shall later escort you for a check-up then."

Spock nodded and said, "Very good."

Chekov was just setting the final codes in the isolation cell when Collins arrived and glared at Spock, "I will find out. You know that. I will find out." Then he looked at Chekov, "No one except me, and I mean no one, is to visit him or talk to or with him, understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Just to make it clear, even you are not to talk to or with him, are we clear on that?"

"Yes, Sir."

After Collins had gone Chekov looked at the monitors, "I am not too sure about this monitor, perhaps I should go see Scotty about it?"

"There is," Spock started then remembered that activity in the isolation area, when in use, was recorded and that Collins would no doubt check it on his return, "logic in your reasoning, Mister Chekov."

Awareness came slowly to Jim Kirk. He was on a bed, a normal bed. There was a different smell from where he was, cleaner, more familiar. A hand briefly pressed on his shoulder, "Easy, Jim. You've had a rough time. Just relax. What do you remember?"

Slowly he opened his eyes as he recognized the voice. McCoy. He looked around. His own quarters on the Enterprise. Momentarily he panicked; Spock would come here looking for him. It was logical. When he started to sit up the room seemed to spin and he lay back down. He was starting to remember.

"Spock?"

"Collins has him,"

"Good. Safe. Need to think."

McCoy was, for a moment, puzzled by Kirk's reaction but then remembered the analysis of the vaporized drugs his friend and Captain had been exposed to for six days. He was bound to be confused even though the tests showed his system was cleared. There was bound to be some residual side effects. "You just rest, Jim. You're safe now."

It was good to know Collins had caught Spock. Kirk smiled to himself. He remembered some of the times, when Kenneth Collins had been on the U.S.S. Farragut with him, when Collins had first got him into trouble but always later got him out of it. That was years before Spock. That was a trust link that that Vulcan could not understand. That totally untrustworthy Vulcan. Doing what Kenneth had done so many times that helped him was often not logical. Kenneth's actions had been based on feelings, genuine feelings for friendship. Feelings, another thing that that conniving unfeeling creature did not know.

Soon he would be able to take back command of his ship and deal with that treacherous First Officer. He had no doubt that Commodore Kenneth Collins had all the proof they would need to deal with the court martial. He remembered how thorough Kenneth was when it came to proof.

Dimly he remembered the others coming in and sitting while he slowly adjusted to being back on the ship. They seemed a bit depressed but he knew it would be their reaction to finding out that the one person they had all looked up to had deceived them for so long. It was strange that they were not mentioning him but then Collins would have told them how he no longer wanted to think about nor discuss Spock. They sat around his desk drinking coffee and making small talk, it felt good, it felt familiar. Only Chekov was not there and Kirk knew that Spock's betrayal would have hurt him more as the young officer seemed in awe of Spock's abilities.

It seemed longer than eleven point three seven minutes since Chekov left for him to return and went to the control panel, switched a few switches, "There, Scotty told me how to," he switched a few more, "loop-feed it."

Realizing what the young officer was doing and what it would mean if he were found out Spock started, "You are risking,"

"You have so often risked more for us, Sir. He is our Captain too. Doctor McCoy said he vas not sure how the Captain may react to you as he has been drugged a long time and is not thinking straight."

Spock knew that the hate and fury that he had sensed in Jim might still be there. He would deal with it. The main thing was that Jim was safe, was where he belonged. All that mattered was that Jim would recover, would live.

When they entered Jim's quarters Jim had his back to him. Spock could tell that much of the tension had gone from him and he was relaxed and felt safe with the others there. The others all smiled as they entered and Chekov said, "Captain, I have somebody else here anxious to see you."


	6. Chapter 6

When Chekov had said there was somebody to see him Kirk did not really care who it was as he wanted to thank the bridge crew and transporter officer for getting him back without involving that thing. He was sure it would be Collins. Collins would have what Spock had done and that his truly loyal friends had rescued him. Collins would know that he would want to be the one to punish that, that thing what real revenge, revenge worse than that which a Klingon might think of, was like..

An all-consuming rage unlike anything he had ever felt before filled him as he slowly stood and saw Spock. "Oh, what? You surprised to see me again? This being the sixth day did I spoil your plans? You lowly, traitorous, devious, scheming, disloyal, unfaithful, dishonest, duplicitous, deceitful, heartless, soulless back-stabbing son of a bitch! You let them take me! You abandoned me! You left me! You were going to sell me to them! You just wanted command of the ship! You've always wanted command of this ship! You set me up to get it! You feinted friendship and I believed you. I, I trusted you. Get out of my sight and stay the hell out of my life, you cold **sick half-breed**! I'll have you off my ship so fast it will go down in history! Go on, go! **Go to hell**!" He turned away and sat down, feeling good at releasing some of his rage and aware that the fury and anger was still in him.

"Jim, Spock beg,"

"Don't even try to give me that, Bones. We all know Vulcans, especially that one, would never, never stoop to begging. Nothing, nothing could or would ever, ever, make it beg. Even hell freezing over could not get it to beg. Get **it** out of my sight and keep** it** out of it till I can get rid of **it**."

Kirk did not see how his words had affected Spock but the others did. Never before had any of them heard Kirk absolutely rage like that, had not heard the pure loathing and hatred in his voice, towards Spock They all saw how each word hurt the Vulcan although he was trying to hide it, how the onslaught was rocking him to his core. As they looked at one another disbelievingly they saw the total shock in each other. None of them had ever thought Kirk could seriously say such things to Spock. Over the years they had seen to two face some of the worst the entire contents of the known galaxies could throw at them and while they might have had raised voices, and long periods of silences, there had never been this. Never such an attack on the other. They could tell that Kirk meant what he said.

"Spock, you have to know Jim is not clear on what happened. He does not know how you," McCoy started.

"Bones, I know what **it** did. I saw **it** abandoning me there. I saw **it** walk away. I woke up and **it** was not there as it did not know I was back thanks to you all helping Collins get me back. Now instead of **it** getting rid of me I will get rid of **it**."

"Spock, know it is just the drugs talking." McCoy stated, "Once he is,"

"Bones, you said I was clear of all residue of the stuff they gave me. You said the tests showed I am mentally fit. I know precisely what I said, what I said to **it**, and I meant every word of it. Don't you understand? **It** didn't just leave me there, **it** abandoned me! ** It** had the whole thing planned. **It** just did not count on the honor of Commodore Collins nor the loyalty of all of you. ** It** didn't count on the Commodore not abandoning a friend and a fellow officer. I don't want **it**; I don't want **that thing** in my life anymore. Whatever happens to **it** is not longer my concern. Now, get rid of **it** and keep **it** away from me." Kirk turned and glared at him and Spock felt the assault of the fury against his shields, "I never, never want to ever see or hear about **that thing** again, is that clear to everybody? It, **it is no longer a part of my life**!" There was still an immense hatred and anger in Kirk's voice.

Even before Kirk has started to speak the emanations coming from Jim were unlike anything Spock had ever felt from Jim before, nothing he had ever felt before were as searing with anger and fury. It was like a whirlpool of hostile emotions was pulling him down and drowning him. By the time Kirk had finished Spock felt sure it was only his uniform holding him together. Never before had he felt like this. He remembered times when Kirk had pretended to dislike him, distrust him, but that was only to confuse an enemy and there was not the bombardment of pure raw emotion, of unreserved and unbridled hatred. This was totally different. He felt Jim's real emotions behind the words. Each word hammered against his weakened shields.

Spock was quiet for a moment then took a deep breath, stood straight, looked into the hazel eyes of his friend and Captain. He could see the anger and torment there but for a moment he also saw a very faint flicker of awareness and reason. There was no sign at all of the warmth, acceptance, understanding and friendship he had always found there before. He was sure, as he looked longer into the eyes, that that flicker of awareness and reason was the fault of his human half believing in hope. Thinking he had seen them had been a trick of his tired mind. In a very controlled voice he said, "You are quite correct, Jim. Under strict orders I was forced to leave you but, Jim, I did not, nor would I ever, abandon you. However, as it is your stated wish, I will take my leave of you, James Tiberius Kirk. I am pleased you will live. I will ensure I never disturb your life again." He raised his right hand and gave the double splayed finger salute as was his cultural ritual, "Live long and prosper, Captain Kirk." With that the Vulcan turned and walked away with Chekov racing to catch up with him.

As he watched the Vulcan walk away Kirk smiled to himself when he saw how Chekov obviously had to support him. Kirk closed his eyes for a moment, moved to his desk, sat back in the chair, and closed his eyes. He was back in command and would show that backstabbing son of a bitch what it felt like to be betrayed the way he had been. He would make that Vulcan regret leaving him the way he did. All those years he had believed him to be such a good, honest, trustworthy, and loyal friend. That Vulcan was going to know what it was like to be abandoned. He would make it clear to all that that Vulcan meant nothing to him and was not to be trusted by anybody. No doubt the Commodore would be able to tell him how he found him after that Vulcan had abandoned him.

Content to leave a part of his brain to work on the payback he exhaled and was aware of it before he even opened his eyes. The stillness around him, that seemed to fill the room. It seemed to shatter the grip of the rage that had possessed him. This was not a friendly stillness but a complete stunned stillness surrounded him. He opened his eyes and saw it, the reflection of the atmosphere in the shocked poses of the others, and the totally disbelieving looks they were giving him were things he had never encountered. Each one of them was looking at him as though he were a totally mentally deranged stranger. The only movement finally came when Uhura got up, walked over to his desk monitor, slid a disc in the display unit, and turned it so Kirk could see it.

Just by watching how Uhura had moved Kirk could tell she was barely controlling her feelings, he could almost feel a violent fury emanating from her towards him. She slammed her open hand down on the desk directly in front of him and looked at him as though he were the lowest form of life imaginable. When she finally spoke her voice was colder and harder than he had ever heard it, and from the looks of the others it was something none of them had heard. It was precise and measured and it clearly reflected the fury she was obviously barely controlling, "Captain James Tiberius Kirk, you have no idea how much I want to personally beat the thing that has taken over your mind out of you right here and right now. For you to say what you did to him."

For a moment she took a deep breath, looked at the others, and then back at him. This time there was not the rage in her eyes nor her words, more a controlled anger. "Spock was never, **never** given command of the ship in your absence apart from a few minutes when Collins went down for a short time, obviously to check on you. Collins took command as soon as they beamed up without you. **That thing** took great delight in tormenting Spock, humiliating and criticizing him every chance he got. It even had him do something none of us had ever seen Spock do, something Vulcans do not do. After Spock went against orders and got you back and would not tell Collins where you were things got worse, much worse for him. Collins was furious and ordered Spock be held in isolation in the brig for insubordination for not telling him."

Somewhere in his mind the words _Spock went against orders and got you back_ repeated. Uhura had it wrong. Collins would not have issued orders stopping a search for him. Collins had found him. For a moment he was going to laugh out loud at the thought of **it** going against orders but then he had memories of what **it** had done for Chris Pike, its former Captain. _Spock went against orders and __**got you back. **_


	7. Chapter 7

Another longer pause as she again looked at the others and Kirk saw McCoy give a slight nod before Uhura looked back at him, looked deep into his eyes for a moment then slowly shook her head before looking at him with annoyance and sorrow, "I am so sorry for what happened to you, Captain, for what was done to you, but, but I cannot be in the same room as you just now. I do not even want, right now, to be on the same ship as you. After all you two mean to each other, all you have been through together, after all he did to get you back, you treat him like, like" she closed her eyes and shook her head. "I, I can't, I can't even bear to look at you right now. This may show why." She looked at McCoy as she pressed the play button, "It is the only copy, I did not want others to ever see it, to know about it. Please destroy it after you have shown it to him so nobody ever sees that." She walked out without another word.

On the screen Kirk watched as Collins's mouth seemed to sneer as he looked at Spock who stood before him, "Why, Mister Spock, that is as close to begging as I have ever heard of from a Vulcan. I have never heard of a Vulcan begging for anything. Your kind don't, do you? Your kind just doesn't beg for anything."

For a moment Spock closed his eyes and Kirk saw McCoy put a hand on the blue shoulder, Spock shake his head, open his eyes and look at Collins, "Sir, I am begging you. Please let me go find the Captain."

The recording ended with Scotty going over to Spock and putting an arm around him and leading him from the bridge after Collins had denied him permission. Kirk just looked at that last shot for a long time. Something was not right. There were niggles at the back of his mind. He closed his eyes. He had seen how Scotty was supporting Spock and walking away with him.

From how Spock had walked away with his head down, shoulder slumped and letting Scotty support him reflected just how deeply hurt he was. For a moment Kirk felt an odd satisfaction that it felt a portion of what he had felt. Seeing it walk away appearing so crushed. Deep inside himself Kirk felt a deep dread growing, a dawning of a reality. They were walking away and all he saw was a bent head. In his nightmares, his memories, he again saw Spock leaving him, walking away, yet he had always seen Spock's face. It. Spock. It. Spock. Spock. Everything in him seemed to suddenly freeze. How could he see Spock's face if he were walking away? All those times he was walking away yet Kirk saw his face and heard the voice saying, "Spock's abandoning you."

"Bones," he looked at McCoy who was still looking at him in a very disappointed way, "the, the drugs they gave me, what, what could they have done?"

"It was very strong hallucinogenic material with possible hypnotic elements so if they showed you images or kept repeating things your mind would have accepted it. If they had kept repeating things to you, simple images and phrases, repeatedly showed you the same sets of images with the same messages constantly for those six days then they would become your reality, they would be what you believed to be real. The hallucinogenic drugs were in the food you ingested as well as in the air you were breathing in and would have totally distorted your reality. You simply could not fight it."

His mind started a slow chant, _"He wasn't leaving. He wasn't leaving. He wasn't leaving. You weren't abandoned. You weren't abandoned. You weren't abandoned."_ And Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head as he tried to clear it.

"Jim, what do you remember about going down there?"

Kirk kept his eyes closed, remembering. "The Commodore, Spock and I had gone down to check out the buildings and surrounds for the meeting. The Commodore sent Spock away to check the other building about three hundred yards away and got a guide," Kirk stopped. The Collins had argued with Spock before sending him away pointing out his senior rank. There had been that old look of smugness that he used to get whenever a scheme was going well. Then there was the way the guide had approached Collins was like they knew each other. The guide had said he was ready to take care of the Captain. Take care of not show around. So many things he had not been alert to as he felt safe with his old shipmate, with a man he thought of as a friend.

He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, "Replay, replay that part of the tape where Collins is talking, slow it down a just a fraction." Kirk kept his eyes closed as he listened to it. The voice. He concentrated as he listened. It was that voice. That voice he heard as the shadowy images of Spock walking away. It was that voice that was always there taunting him about Spock. "Play it again, emphasis Spock." He closed his eyes as they played it again, seeing again those shadowy images. An icy finger touched his core as the pieces fell together and the shadows vanished. It had been projected images and that voice, Collins's voice. Collins was the "he". Collins was behind it. Collins not Spock.

Still sitting with his eyes closed he tried to think what Collins had to gain by doing all this. There had to be a reason for Collins to get him to such a hateful state against Spock. It was obvious that Collins was going to sell him as some sort of pleasure slave, would have if Spock had not defied him and come back for him. Collins would have had a reason to set him against Spock but,

"Keep him off my bridge." My bridge. The ship. Collins was after the Enterprise. He had never commanded a starship. Since he arrived on the ship he had often spoken of how he would command such a ship. That was another red alert he had missed. Clearly Collins had been after the Enterprise for some time and had it all planned. Collins had primed him to attack Spock like that so if he somehow managed to escape and Spock found him in a public place he would react as he had and be deemed unfit to command. That was what he used to do, make sure that whatever he did looked harmless, casual, totally unplanned yet he would have had everything planned out. He had everything planned out but had overlooked Spock's loyalty. Spock. Collins had used him and, in front of the crew, had sadistically abused Spock's Vulcan core. He suddenly stood up, "The bastard! Where, where is he?"

"Collins is on the planet getting things ready for tomorrow's big thing." Sulu said, "and I am due back on the bridge."

"There's things we need to be doing," Scotty just nodded at him and he and Chekov left, leaving just him and McCoy in the room.

For a moment Kirk stood trying to sort in his mind what had to be done in the order he should do them. When he went towards the door McCoy grabbed his arm and stopped him before he got to it, moving to stand in front of him to totally block his access to the door. "If you're thinking of going to Spock, forget it, Jim. Whatever you are thinking of saying or doing, leave it. Wait. I will see him later but you shouldn't, not till I tell you. You are far too worked up about this to be with him right now. And he is definitely in no state to see you."

"Bones, I have to. I have to. You saw what I just did, what Collins did to him, to me, to us. You heard what I said to him, how I said it. I have to let him know I now know I was wrong, so very, very wrong. I have to get him to understand it was the drugs and not me. I have to make him understand it wasn't me."

Surprisingly McCoy let go of his arm and looked at him, "Go on then, **go**. Go finish the job you and Collins have done on him. You saw on that tape how he was shattered enough as it was after Collins had him beg, but you didn't see how Collins treated him from the time they beamed back up without you, you have no idea of the constant pressure Collins put and kept on him, and how he harangued and badgered Spock about where you were as he knew Spock was after the captaincy of the ship and had been behind that building collapse. We could all see it, the way it was splintering away at Spock. Not once would Spock allow Collins to talk about you in the past tense. He challenged Collins in that quiet way of his whenever Collins tried to berate any of us, stating he would ensure things were as the Captain liked them. Now, after that outburst of yours, he should easily crack wide open as soon as he sees or even hears you. Just by going to see him now you should be able to easily destroy his very core right now, you shattered him enough to expose it. In case you had not noticed Collins did a fine job of starting to really expose that core."

Kirk saw him shake his head then looked him right in the eyes. "Jim, if you had said and done what you did to Spock to any one of us it would not have mattered that much. We grew up knowing, showing, and understanding how to deal with not just our emotions but those of others. Spock didn't. With us it would just have been a few days and a few drinks and it would be done with. I don't know with Spock. We're close, this ship's bridge crew is very close, but the two of you were always like one, you're that close. Hell, you were closer than best friends; you were the other half of each other, maybe the better half of each other. I am so sorry Jim, but I don't think you have that now."

Kirk wanted to protest, wanted to say that Spock would understand, but then remembered how he had been when he had last seen him. He had not thought of how it was just how Chekov had stood with him that kept the Vulcan upright after he had turned to walk away.

"While you were down there he drove himself more than you can possibly imagine trying to find where you could be. When Collins toyed with him and made him beg it more than incensed me. When I saw how Collins deliberately did that to him knowing how it would hurt him, how it would push him just about over the edge, I wanted to slowly and painfully kill him in ways no physician should ever even think of treating another being."

McCoy quietly looked at him for a moment then moved clear of the doorway, "I can see it in you, Jim. I can see you really want to go to him. So you just go and do whatever you have in mind, go down there with all that emotionalism in you pouring out and irreparably shatter that exposed core. Go on, you go as you are right now. But Jim, just don't you dare be surprised if I, if we can't put him back together. Don't you dare blame anybody else if he won't come back to us. I'm not even sure if we can get him back at all now. This time he is just too hurt, too tired, and possibly, forgive me Spock, most likely feels too alone, too unworthy, too unwanted and too unloved to want to come back."

For a moment McCoy rested his hand on Kirk's shoulder so his Captain and friend would look at him, "While you were gone and he was dealing with Collins I saw, we all, saw him retreating back to his Vulcan side, closing us off. He did not want to involve us, did not want Collins to do anything to us. He was looking for you and protecting us. He was saving your ship and your crew for you." For a long time Kirk felt the understanding and sympathy in the hand that gripped his shoulder again and saw the sorrow in the blue eyes, "This time, Jim, you really let him know there was nothing and, far more importantly despite his protests about Vulcans not having emotions, **no one** for him to come back to from wherever your words and actions finally pushed him."

* * *

A/N Thanks to all who are enjoying this - just letting you know that I'll be back in a few days this strange thing called "the real world" demands all of my attention for the next few days which is why this chapter is so long. Have fun.


	8. Chapter 8

Chekov had not said a word to Spock as they walked back to the isolation cell. The young officer had never seen Spock so alien or so hurt. He knew those few first moments outside of the Captain's quarters when he had to support almost all of the Vulcan's weight while the Vulcan did whatever it was Vulcans did to control themselves as they did. The First Officer's momentary loss of that control had shown him how much he cared about the Captain. All the time the Captain had been gone he had been the one to make Collins respect the crew, was the one who had defended them, who had acted like the Captain would have. For years he had been in awe of the special relationship the two had, the way one would always be there for the other, the way they complimented and complemented each other. He had seen them disagree, he had been witness to those moments when there was the heavy silence of disagreement that they always found some common ground in.

Yes, if he was honest with himself he would admit that he was even a little envious of their friendship and how it seemed nothing could ever damage it: how so many things had tested it and it was found to be all the stronger for it. As he had looked at the First Officer, saw him slowly cloistering himself behind that Vulcanness that it had taken him so long to come from behind, he wondered if his captain knew what he had done. For now Chekov accepted he could do nothing for Spock but get him back to the brig and for the first time found himself not liking Captain Kirk at all.

At the cell he looked at Spock, "Can I get you anything, Sir?"

"No thank you, Pavel, and thank you for your silence and controlling your emotions. I will rest now."

The young officer watched as the Vulcan walked into the cell, over to the cot and lay down on it. He could not remember ever seeing the Vulcan so like a man totally alone and lost in a world filled with unimaginable pain. Nor could he remember too many times when Spock had called him Pavel. While he had always admired and respected Captain Kirk he realized, as he looked at Spock, that he felt a mix of sympathy towards him and deep anger towards Kirk and that he, like Uhura, wanted to physically knock some sense into him. He would have bet his life, and the lives of all aboard the Enterprise, that the friendship of the Captain and Mister Spock was stronger that anything could ever break apart. He knew that it was most likely that Spock, being a Vulcan, would live on long after Captain Kirk but that they would be friends till then, and beyond that if such an existence existed. He had always been certain that there was nothing that could tear them apart, nothing that could turn one against the other. As he looked at Spock laying on the cot with his back to him Chekhov shook his head. Later he would ask the Captain how he could do it but now it was Spock who needed him there to protect him while he was so. Chekov stopped himself. Never before had he felt he had to protect the Vulcan like this, not on the ship. As he again looked at the was Spock was laying on the cot he nodded, Vulcan or not his friend needed his protection and he would get it.

There was no mistaking the outright challenge in Chekov's eyes and stance as Kirk entered the brig and walked towards the isolation cell. Quickly Chekov stepped in front of him, stopping him, and Kirk could sense it was more to protect Spock than stop him. "My direct orders from Commodore Collins, the commanding officer on this ship, are that nobody see or talk to the prisoner. I am sorry but I cannot allow you to see nor speak with the prisoner, Sir. "

"Chekov, I just want to," as Chekov had been speaking Kirk had watched Spock get up from the cot and slowly turn so that all Kirk could see of him was his back. Kirk thought for a moment but could not remember Spock ever deliberately standing at attention with his back to him before.

"Sir, I cannot allow,"

"Officer Chekov, please tell Ji, please inform Captain James Kirk that I am attempting to stay the hell out of his life as ordered and that it is both unwise and most unsafe for him to be walking around the Enterprise with Commodore Kenneth Collins searching the ship for him, no doubt to return him to where he was and how he was for whatever reason the Commodore had in mind. Further, please tell Captain Kirk that in keeping with his own orders it would be best for both of us if he never sees or disturbs me again."

A cold numbness he had never know before seemed to fill Kirk as he just stared at Spock's back. Damn, it was there in Spock's voice, unmistakable, the deep hurt, the devastation his words had done to his friend. There had been no emotion at all in Spock's voice as he used full military title, stopping himself from calling him Jim and had not even just said the Captain. For just a moment, when Spock had explained why he should not be there for safety reasons, he had felt there was still his Spock, his friend, there. That Spock had said it would be best if they never saw or disturbed one another again surely showed some feeling, come caring was still there. No, there was absolutely no inflection in his voice, it was cold, exact, and impersonal. It so clear from how Spock had stood at attention facing away from him, deliberately stood with his back to him, that he was deeply hurt and was going back to full Vulcan control.

Kirk remembered how, on the display, Spock had looked so strained when he had been standing before Collins and so visibly shattered he was when he had begged and been refused. He remembered seeing how it seemed only Scotty's arm around the Vulcan had kept him upright. Then after what he had said to him, how only Chekov supporting him kept him from falling. From his tone alone Kirk knew his words had, as Bones had warned him, finished cracking him open and traumatized his now exposed core. This time he truly had hurt him too deeply. Gawd, he had even called him a thing and referred to him as an it.

"Keptin, Mister Spock is trying to stay out of you life and thinks it best you stay out of his. He also thinks it unwise and unsafe for you to be walking around the Enterprise with Commodore Collins aboard and looking for you. He also said you should never see or disturb each other ever again."

When Spock did not correct Chekov for not being exact in his relaying the message Kirk knew just how hurt his friend was, how deeply broken he was.

"Spock, I'm so sorry. There is no excuse for how I reacted. You will never know how sorry I am for how I acted, for what I said, for what I called you, for how I referred to you, for how much I have hurt you. Bones says I had been drugged but that is no excuse whatsoever for what I said and did to you. I will not even blame human weakness. I did not mean what I said. You must know I did not mean what I said, that I would never really say those horrid things to you nor about you. You know that is not what I feel about you, about us. **I never meant to hurt you, Spock**. I am so sorry."

No reaction.

"Spock? Spock, once I have settled with Collins **I will come back**. We need, I need to talk. Spock?"


	9. Chapter 9

Paste your document here...

Silence. No movement at all.

"Spock, **I will come back to you**."

As he turned to go Kirk saw a conflicting glance from Chekov, a mix of contempt and pity, before he slowly walked to his quarters. Kirk returned slowly to his quarters more out of familiarity with the ship than actual awareness of where he was or even that he was walking. As he entered he took the cup McCoy held out to him, "I've, I've lost him, Bones. In that cell was not my friend, not my First Officer. In that cell was a distant, cold, Vulcan who would not even look at me." He shook his head as memories that he had forgotten came back to him. "I, I just remembered how, during the nightmare of that place, I was aware of something in my head that would calm my deepest fears. I know now it was him. I was so physically alone yet he was there, in my mind, trying to calm me, reassure me, let me know I was not totally alone, and I, I attacked him like that."

"You were mentally scrambled with all they pumped into you, Jim. You were getting drugged through the herbs and drugs in that stuff they fed you that played with your mind, plus you were also breathing a tainted mist that added to the hallucinogenic qualities. It really did something to your mind for you to go at Spock, of all people, like that."

"My gods, Bones, you were right. I shouldn't have gone, I should've waited. I, **I have totally torn him apart**. I've hurt him too much this time. How, how could I have called him a thing and an it?" The realization of what he had called his best friend haunted him and he looked up into understanding blue eyes, "How, Bones, how could I ever, ever have called him a cold sick half-breed? Even worse than when we were aging and he came to see me and I blamed him for my losing command. After he had begged, begged, in front of the bridge crew to look for me I did that to him."

"Maybe if you give him time, he,"

"No, not this time, Bones. He, he wouldn't even come to the front of the cell where I could see him. He stood at attention with his back to me the whole time I was there. He, he said he was staying the hell out of my life, that it was unsafe for me to be out where Collins could find me, and," Kirk put head in his hands for a moment, "and never to disturb him again. Once he started to call me Jim but stopped. I was Captain James Kirk or Captain Kirk, not even just Captain. It was all very official. Nothing personal whatsoever. His voice wasn't his, it was Vulcan. He, he has gone back to, no, I have driven him back to how he was before. Cold. Distant. The total Vulcan. What I said to him, those things I called him. When I said I knew what I was saying and meant it I must have pushed him further and deeper into that hell. He has shut me right out. Totally shut me out like a stranger. He would not even acknowledge me, or look at me. He talked through Chekov. Chekov did not exactly relay his message and Spock did not correct him. Started to call me Jim then stopped."

The second drink settled him better and he looked at his friend, "Bones, what if I can't get him back, Bones? What do I? What do I do if, if I have lost him? What, what if I really have lost him this time?"

"Jim," McCoy looked down into the hazel eyes and saw the deep pain, blame and self-loathing, "I have watched the man for the past six days. I saw him when they returned without you, how murderously furious he was at Collins for leaving you, how he kept saying he had to go back for you. He was sent from the bridge as Collins did not want him there, said it was for his own good. All he did after that was study plans of the buildings down there. I don't remember seeing him eat anything; he just studied those damned plans trying to figure out where you would be. He looked at plans to every single building, irrespective of size. He hardly ever left his quarters and Collins watched him like a hawk when he was on the bridge and it clearly annoyed Spock as there was something he wanted to access from his station that Collins clearly knew about. Right from when they first beamed up he wanted to go back down and Collins said no each time. We all saw how Collins took pleasure in making Spock beg. We all knew, and I am sure Spock knew, that Collins would still say no but he begged to go back for you as there might have been the remotest of possibilities Collins meant it. We both know what that cost him as the only other time I can remember him begging was for you as well."

McCoy handed him another cup of coffee, "Now I'll admit with all the reports and evidence Collins had those who did not know of strength of the relationship you two had were ready to believe him, to believe you were dead. The reports and evidence he showed us proved you had entered the substructure before the explosion but had not come out. Collins tried over and over to convince Spock but he refused to believe it. He knew if he could get Spock to believe it then the rest of us would accept it. When he realized Spock did not believe his evidence and reports and that therefore the rest of us would not believe him he really started to attack him, to question everything he did, to belittle him on the bridge in every way he could every chance he had, to try to break him."

McCoy half-laughed and Kirk looked up at him, "The man was a fool. He had no idea about the loyalty of Vulcans, that one in particular. Despite the nearly inconceivable amount of pressure Collins put on him, the way Collins treated him, Spock never gave up on you, never stopped looking for a way of finding you, of getting you back. He spent all those hours he was not on the bridge for the past six days on the computer till he was certain he had located you and had devised a way to go get you even though he knew what such an action would mean. You know, he even nerve pinched Scotty so that Collins could not be reprimanded for helping him."

"He what?" it had yet had not surprised that Spock would have done that, he would have done it to protect the Scotty against any disciplinary action being taken against him.

"He was protecting Scotty just as he protected us. He nerve pinched Scotty long enough to cause a slight bruising to Scott's head as would happen from a fall. Did it while I was taking care of you and suggested I check on Mister Scott when I told him you were going to be fine. At first neither Scotty nor I could imagine why he would do such a thing but then we realized it was to protect Scotty from the wrath of that mad man."

Slowly McCoy shook his head with his eyes closed for a moment, "That damned Vulcan knew full well that his going against Collins, against standard orders, hell even against Starfleet regulations would cost him his career and possibly his freedom but he thought you were worth it. He had had to, by orders from a commanding officer, leave you there but Jim, he never, never gave up on finding you, of getting you back onto the Enterprise. I think we both know he never would abandon you." A hand gripped his shoulder and Kirk looked up into steady blue eyes, "Are you really willing to give up on him so easily?"

"I, I have another serious problem, Bones."

"Oh."

"Collins. I thought I knew the man, Bones. I knew him from when we were on the Farragut together, I thought I knew him. I now so desperately want to kill him in manners that frighten me. I cannot remember ever, ever wanting to kill a man so much. Not for betraying me and what I thought we had but for what he did to Spock, for how he treated him. The way he clearly enjoyed watching what making Spock beg to come for me did to him. He knew Vulcans don't beg and knew what it was doing to Spock to beg, seeing the look on his face as Spock did beg; I could so easily kill him with my bare hands." Kirk looked up into understanding blue eyes, "When I think of what he made me think of Spock, what he did to Spock, and what he made me say to Spock, **I want to kill him** in ways that would totally horrify you."

"I doubt if it could match what I and a lot of other would like to do to him. You would have to stand in a mighty long line. In case you haven't noticed that Vulcan has a whole crew behind him. You know how before all this the bridge crew would have done anything for each other?" Kirk nodded, he knew only too well how the closeness was not just within the bridge crew. He knew there was a different closer closeness with the bridge crew but he knew he had a close crew. "What Spock did was not just out of the decency and respect he has for the crew, and possibly those people in particular, but for you as with you gone he took on the role of protecting the crew. He would stop Collins in the middle of a tirade against any one of them for how they were doing something, from ensigns to chief engineer officers and medical officer. You knew what was coming as soon as Collins said a word to correct any officer. That pointy-eared computer always said, 'That is how the Captain has it done, Sir.' and you could see Collins want to physically strike him down for it. He would just glare at Spock and send him off the bridge."

The intercom buzzed, "Uhura here. Have Amanada wait in my quarters. I will be there later and find the dress she needs for a date like that."

The two looked at each other, "Collins is back. Go to Uhura's quarters. He would not go there. I'll clean up here."


	10. Chapter 10

Paste your document here...

Chekov had got the buzz code from Sulu that Collins was back. "He's back Sulu's just let me know."

Spock slowly stood and looked at the younger officer, "You can do something for me if you would not mind."

"Of course, Sir"

"I do not wish to interrupt them when not on duty so tomorrow I would like you to thank Lieutenant Uhura, Mister Scott, Mister Sulu, and Doctor McCoy for the time and assistance they have given me and the kindness, the friendship and the understanding they have always shown to me. I would also like to thank you for your patience as well as your time and assistance, friendship, kindness and understanding. I wish you all well. Should Ji, should Captain James Kirk ask how I was just tell him that I deeply appreciated everything he gave to me and all that he meant to me. Should he not ask you are to inform him that Vulcan healers can erase all memories and traces of me from his mind apart from the fact I was his First Officer."

Chekov looked at him in a concerned way as it was the second time Spock had stopped himself from saying Jim and then said Captain James Kirk. It was also seemed like he were saying good bye. "Sir?"

"I think it best we stop talking now. Commodore Collins should be here shortly."

As though on cue Collins walked in, looked at Chekov, "You may leave now."

"Sir?"

"You are relieved, is that understood? This area is automated and when I leave I will secure it."

Momentarily Chekov looked at Spock and saw him nod slightly. Every part of him wanted to stay but he had his orders. He did not trust Collins but he was sure that with him and others know he was aboard, and when he reported to the others that Collins had been there as he knew Collins would know he would tell the others the man was not stupid enough to do anything but talk at Mister Spock. Slowly he returned Spock's nod and left.

Once Chekov had gone Collins went and stood outside the cell and looked at Spock, "I know you took him. I know he is alive and you took him. I know he has to be on this ship and you will tell me where he is and who else knows he is here."

Spock just looked at him. There was nothing that mattered now that Jim was safe. Collins could, most likely would, kill him but Jim was safe. The others would take care of Jim. Jim was alive, safe, and still captain of the Enterprise, the best Captain in not just Starfleet but the Federation on the best ship of the fleet with the best crew possible anywhere.

"Just know this was you choice. I will come back later to see if you have changed your mind or have died." Spock watched as Collins went to the control panel. Chekov had switched it back to secure record mode and had obviously done something that Collins did not like but heard him say, "Too far to go back" then he felt cold mist surround him and soak thought his clothing before the temperature in his cell started to drop. He had known Collins would try to get him to tell him where Jim was but Jim was safe. He resisted the longing to touch Jim's mind one last time but instead got onto the cot in the cell and lay down. As the cold started to numb him he recanted and quickly found the passage to Jim's mind, "Good bye, Jim." It was done. Spock relaxed. He had heard freezing to death was not such a painful thing.

McCoy had just finished tidying Kirk's quarters and had a few things on the bed so it looked like he was clearing the quarters when Collins walked in.

"What are you doing here?"

McCoy looked right at him, "I could ask the same of you. I am clearing the Captain's quarters. Last I heard you were down doing Chrkov's job." McCoy half-smiled when he saw the look that confirmed that the crew would know where he had been.

"You, you seem to have taken his death better than the others."

"I do tend have more experience in dealing with death than the others aboard this ship. I will have the room ready in time."

After Collins had left McCoy sat down on the bed and sighed. Jim liked the room a special way and now that Collins was gone be could put it back to how it should be. He found himself setting up the chess board as he had done so many times when he was about to let one or the other, and at times both of them, out of Sickbay then stopped. Only looking at it did he realize that there was still a great possibility it would not be used again, that it would never again be something two very different men could share quiet moments over. He put all the pieces away and left.

Despite having slept on the floor of Uhura's room James Kirk woke feeling better than he had in eight days.. He looked around and saw that he was alone but that a tray with a breakfast had been set for him and a note. "Meet the delegates at 08:30 hours. U"

That would be the time to show Collins he was still alive. That would be the time to expose Collins. All those years ago he had been impressed by Collins. The way he was so committed to his goals, the way he could avoid being caught, and the way he could deflect blame had fascinated Kirk. He had thought of him as a friend. In Starfleet is was important to have friends to help you out, to talk things through, and to relax with after hours and because of Collins he had lost the closest friend he had ever had or was possibly likely to have. At the height of his career to be exposed for what he was would be fitting for Collins. Only now did Kirk wonder how Collins had made it as far as he had, how many other lives he had destroyed on his way up the hierarchy. Kirk looked at the chronometer and realized that he had just enough time to shower, eat, check in with McCoy and Scotty and then go.

He would expose Collins and then go and get Spock to understand what happened. The thought of not having Spock in his life frightened him in a way he had never been frightened before. There had to be a way to get what they had back. He would get Spock to understand and would somehow, no matter how long it took, regain the trust and friendship that had taken him three years to gain and only a few seconds to totally destroy. If he had to he would sit with Spock till the stubborn Vulcan listened to him, really listened to him, no matter how long it took, till he heard and understood all that he was feeling. There had to be a way to make his willful friend listen to him, to understand what had been done to him and how weak he was to let it affect him like that. No matter how long it took he would get Spock to understand. It had taken him three years of hard work to get through that Vulcan wall, to see the real person behind that façade and he had a much harder task now as he had driven his friend back behind that wall, a wall that his friend had now reinforced to keep out all human aspects. But he would do it. **He would get his friend back**.

With his plan sorted Kirk started to leave Uhura's quarters then stopped as he became more aware of the dullness in his head. He had a vague memory of hearing Spock's voice as he slept saying, _"Good bye, Jim."_ but knew that Vulcans did not say good bye. No, he must have slept in an awkward position. Or perhaps it was a residual hallucination after all that he had breathed. It had been Spock's voice and had woken him but he knew he was just over tired.

The confrontation, reception was only a few minutes away and he felt his confidence being re-enforced by remembering what Collins had done. He saw how Collins must have used people to get to where he was. He was just about at the turbolift to go to the transporter when McCoy rushed by him.

"Bones?"

"Medical emergency. Catch you later."

"Where?"

McCoy paused long enough before the doors closed to look directly into his eyes and say, "The isolation cell." and was gone.

A quiet sinister voice in his head mocked him, "_Vulcans never beg yet Spock did. Vulcans never say good bye but Spock did._" He heard Spock saying, "_I am trying to stay the hell out of his life. I will ensure I never disturb your life again. Live long and prosper, Captain James Tiberius Kirk._" He was about to shake it off, he knew what Vulcans said when they were really leaving and Spock was,

Everything seemed to stop as he saw again how Spock had looked at him and said, "_However, as it is your stated wish, I will take my leave of you, James Tiberius Kirk_." No **NO!** He had just used his full name. No rank. Kirk took a deep breath as he suddenly realized Spock had been saying goodbye to him then: saying goodbye to him as a person, as a friend, not as an officer, not as his senior officer. That look. Kirk was not too sure if it were a hurt and haunted look or that of a man suddenly totally alone. The words seemed to now mock him, "_Take my leave of you. Take my leave of you."_


	11. Chapter 11

A panic unlike anything he had ever felt before momentarily paralyzed him. Spock **was** leaving him. Kirk suddenly realized he would be on a ship with nearly five hundred other being yet he would be alone. Spock was leaving him. The panic also gave him a momentum he had not known was in him. He did not remember running down the corridors, sliding down the two sets of ladders, roughly pushing a few crewmembers aside, to get to the brig or charging through the crew standing watching McCoy in the cell. All he was aware of was the need to get to Spock. He had to make the Vulcan know what he meant to him. Suddenly he realized he had to let the Vulcan know he did not want to live without him in his life. Before he could get all the way into the cell Sulu and Chekov grabbed him and held him back, Sulu saying, "Stay out of this, Sir. Stay out of his life, Captain. You said that whatever happened to him no longer concerned you. You told us you never wanted to see him again. You said you didn't want him in your life any more, remember?"

When Kirk looked at his helmsman he saw pity yet also a challenge in the eyes. "He,"

"He's barely alive, Jim. Extreme hypothermia. Whoever did this knew,"

Chekov suddenly released Kirk, all but spitting the words as he turned to leave, "That **Cossack**! He made me leave so he could do this. Mister Spock knew." and it was only Scotty's reflexes that stopped him as the stronger man grabbed him with both hands and held him.

"Steady, laddie. Ye have to get in line to get to that creature. Ye may have what's left of him after I've had him, if ye can find the pieces."

"You two can sort that out later; help me get Spock to Sickbay. Now!"

Kirk shook off Sulu and walked over to where McCoy had Spock wrapped in a thermablanket and gently picked him up, cradling him as one would a sleeping child and headed for the turbolift. He had known Spock was thin and wiry but he was far to light, clearly he had not been eating. Nobody stopped him, nobody challenged him.

In Sickbay McCoy helped ease the unconscious Vulcan from Kirk's arms, removed the blanket he was in and all his clothing, expertly put a tee-shirt and briefs on the unconscious Vulcan, then positioned Spock on a heated pad before wrapping the warming blanket around him. He set some dials, momentarily closed his eyes as he rested a hand on Spock's forehead, whispered under his breath, "We're all here, Spock, we're all right here. We need you here." Then opened his eyes, fidgeted with the blanket again then stepped back. "It is over to him, now. You all best get back to,"

"No." Uhura looked from Spock to McCoy and then at him and Kirk saw the concern and love in her eyes before she looked back at McCoy, "you told him we were all here and here is where we stay. The Captain has a meeting to attend to but we stay here."

Kirk looked at the others and noticed how Scott was looking either at Spock or at Chekov and how he still had a hand on the young officer's arm as though afraid of what would happen if he let go. Sulu had already taken a stand on the opposite side of the bed so he had a clear view of the door. Uhura had moved to stand by the head of the bed with her hand close to Spock's head. McCoy was looking alternately at the diagnostic graphs and at Spock. It was the family; it was the pack circling the injured member to protect it. He was aware of them also watching him. Waiting for his lead. It was clear they still saw him as the pack leader, the alpha male. The Captain. Their Captain.

"What, what did you mean, Chekov, when you said that Mister Spock knew? Knew what?"

"In the cell, before it arrived. Mister Spock asked me to thank Uhura, Mister Scott, Sulu, and Doctor McCoy and myself for our time and assistance and kindness and friendship and our understanding. He, he knew Collins planned to kill him."

He was aware of the others looking at him with sympathy clear on their faces, "Did, did he say anything about me?"

Chekov looked at him and nodded "He started to call you Jim but again stopped and called you Captain Kirk and said to tell you, only if you asked, that he deeply appreciated everything you gave to him and all that you meant to him. He said that if you did not ask I vas to inform you that a Vulcan healer could remove all traces and memories of him from your mind aside from him having been your First Officer."

Momentarily the room seemed to spin and he closed his eyes. Spock had known Collins would kill him, or at least try to. He had asked Chekov to say his goodbyes. He had told Chekov to tell him that a Vulcan healer could make him forget all but their strictly official working relationship. Spock had told Chekov that a Vulcan healer could remove him from his mind and words he had said to Spock came back to him, taunting him, "_I never, never want to ever see or hear about that __**thing**__ again, is that clear to everybody? __**It**__ is no longer a part of my life_." That thing. It. Using words that made him a non-person. Then he again heard Spock saying, "_I will take my leave of you, James Tiberius Kirk_". Slowly, almost unconsciously, he started to do the deep breathing Spock taught him so many years ago to do to regain control of his feelings and to stay in the present.

The present. Now. When he opened his eyes he looked at his friend lying so still under the warming blanket and knew it had been his actions that had brought this about. Chekov had said that only if he asked about Spock was he to be told of how Spock thought of him. Carefully he reached out and briefly touched the side of Spock's face and whispered, "Oh Spock, I am so damned sorry for so many things. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I need you not as my Science First Officer, not as my First Officer, but as my friend. I need you as you. I need **you**."

When he looked around the others were all still watching him, waiting for him to tell them what he had planned. Then he looked at Spock, "I, I have to take care of something. I will be right back." He looked at McCoy, his hand moving from Spock's face to his shoulder which he gently squeezed, "McCoy will take care of you till I get back."

As he got to the door McCoy called out, "Jim," he turned and saw all of them looking at him, "Do not do anything remotely harebrained, we can't lose the two of you to that thing."

All Kirk could do was nod. He had heard the underlying, unsaid words. He had heard that McCoy was greatly concerned they were losing Spock.

* * *

A/N Sorry but not proof read as have been on call as first responder.


	12. Chapter 12

Kirk paused before going into the reception room, relieved that the young officer on point duty had obeyed his signal for silence and gave no outward sign of seeing him. After quickly glancing through the partly open door Kirk could see the way Collins was holding court and, after realizing that Collins was maintaining eye-contact with the higher echelon he slowly slid into the reception room, staying close to the wall.

From where he stood he could see and hear Collins as he seemed to hold an audience entranced with his exploits. He seemed to be just the right image in full dress uniform, correct proud yet sorrowful facial features, pausing just long enough to make his words sound sincere. "Fortunately I was just able to get First Officer Spock back to the Enterprise. Losing Captain Kirk in that way was a, was a tragic loss. The crew is taking it hard, but it is the finest ship in the fleet and they are the best crew. Although I would have wished to have been given command of the Enterprise, even temporary command, any other way I am proud to be the one in command on that bridge. I have longed for such a ship and crew. I had thought it beyond my reach and while saddened with the loss of my old friend I feel I can best honor his memory by maintaining the high standards set by the ship."

Kirk stood against the wall where he was not visible to Collins. He wanted to not only pick his moment but also to control the fury he felt as he looked at a man who had once thought of as a friend. A part of his mind was aware of the fact his fists were so tight that there was risk of loss of circulation to the fingers and yet having them clenched at his side was virtually all that was keeping him from going up to the man and dismembering him on that platform. As he looked at the man he realized that that friendship had not had the depth that he now realized what he had with Spock did.

"The Enterprise has the best command team in the fleet. It is well known that they are close to one another. How are they adjusting to you?"

Collins had smiled appropriately, "They are the best command team and they have adjusted to my new position. They are aware that my style is very different from Kirk's but we both had the same goals, always have had."

"How has Mister Spock adjusted to you? I would imagine that you will find dealing with him different from others you have dealt with." Despite himself Kirk felt himself briefly close his eyes when Admiral Hadlow mentioned Spock. It is becoming more and more difficult not to go up to Collins and do what he wanted to. His Vulcan First Officer would not approve of him doing what he so longed to do.

There was just a slight change in his posture that Kirk noticed, a telltale sign of Collins being a bit uncomfortable about the way things were going. "As commanding officer I saw to it that we came to an understanding."

One of the Halton delegation slowly walked up to where Collins stood, fully aware of all the attention he was getting, stood for a moment looking up to look Collins in the eyes, "Gowto Thap, Director of Halton Security."

Collins looked at him and Kirk saw a flash of panic on the man's face, "I, I will get back to you once I have had a full investigation into that accidental discharge completed. I am sure it was a malfunction of some sort."

"That will not be necessary, now. After hearing from Mister Spock I had my security division look at your recorded details about the incident in detail, Sir. I have also had several of my junior officers gather further information for me about your career. This is not the first incident you call a malfunction to have happened which has greatly aided you in your progression through the ranks, is it, Sir? Although I have not had the honor of meeting you Mister Spock he seemed an honest man and I find it difficult to believe he knew about any such malfunction as he made no mention of a malfunction. I wonder, does he know of how you really got command or of your past?"

Kirk made a mental note to himself to meet with Gowto Thap later and have him meet Spock. The man was saying what he had wanted to only in a very politically correct manner, far different from he knew he would have.

"What Mister Spock knew of is of no matter. I am sure if you are referring to those other five occasions then perhaps you should check how many other Commodores in the Federation have not also had a series of malfunctions in their careers."

"I am sure that has happened to those in Starfleet, those in the Federation, and those in power on any planet **but we are talking about you**, Sir. Also, although I am not sure as to the precise rate of them occurring, I highly doubt if any other **honorable** officer would accept promotion after such occurrences. It seems you are a career officer who is currently in command of the Enterprise, Starfleet's finest ship with the finest crew, yet you are an officer who has never actually held an active command position on a starship until a few days ago."

"I had always longed to be in a command position on a starship but was content with my positions serving Starfleet."

"Ahh, yes. The use of the **past tense**, was. When did you decide you were not content with just the rank but not the prestige? We all know the great prestige that comes with being in command of a starship as it takes a special type of person to be in command of such a ship. There is no record of you ever applying for nor being offered such a position."

"It has only been over the last seven days that I realized how much more content I felt, how I felt I was making more of a difference, while in command of the Enterprise. While I knew I would never be offered such a position because of a few unfavorable comments on my record from a few officers I did not shirk my responsibility to take command of the Enterprise after the tragic death of Captain Kirk."

"Seven days? So, it was just your good fortune, then, that the unfortunate accident happened here, where there are no more senior officers who could have been given command of the ship? Fortunate that Admiral Hadlow from Starfleet was here and he was able to give you immediate temporary command of the Enterprise.""

"Yes, as far as I knew the Enterprise was the only Starfleet starship to be here, the crew the only crew to be here. I was aware of the Admiral and his security team being here."

The man took a step closer to Collins and there was no mistaking the hostility, "You are a very cunning man. By being in an administrative role you knew the situation here well ahead of time, enough time to plan your moves. You knew that by doing what you did you would be almost guaranteed permanent captaincy of the Enterprise.:

"I would not say I am cunning," Collins started.

Thap crossed his arms, rocked once on his heels, looked around the room, then nodded before facing Collins again. "Oh, you are but not so cunning as you overlooked two important factors in your plans. You clearly did not know of the loyalty between Kirk and Mister Spock and you clearly knew nothing about our systems. While it is well known that the command crew of the Enterprise are almost excessively loyal to one another little is known about our security system and network."

Only through having known Collins as well as he had did Kirk see the slight change in his posture, the subtle change of his facial expression. This Thap had him scared and Kirk found himself enjoying watching the slow destruction of the man's career. The one thing Collins had alwlays sought was a higher rank, even when they first met Collins had said that his goal was to be in charge of Starfleet, that he would do whatever it took to reach the top. Now, now to watch Collins as he realized his whole career was gone was almost better than him physically attacking him for what he had done.

"Your, your security system is standard. It is no different from that of many other planets. As you know you had to send to Starfleet,"

"Which we did. We sent them our standard modern security system that protects us against starships as powerful as the Enterprise and anything the Klingons or Romulans could have. What you did not know was the old-fashioned sophistication of our systems. As soon as we were advised by Mister Spock of your desire to destroy a certain building we investigated the building and those related to it. Our methods of interrogation are not subtle and your guide was only too willing to tell us about your special area and described two others we also investigated and who were equally as forthcoming with full details."

Collins looked at Admiral Hadlow, "I am the captain of the Enterprise. You assigned me that position."

Admiral Hadlow was looking at him with near contempt, "On a temporary basis only."

"But you need the Enterprise out there."

"Are you forgetting that Mister Spock can,"

"Mister Spock cannot do anything. He is not a captain. I am the captain of the Enterprise, you told me that I was in command,"

"I first directed you to have Mister Spock contact me as soon as he was able to but you informed me that he was too traumatized by what had happened, that he was still under the care of Doctor McCoy. I told you that you were in temporary command until either Mister Spock was medically able to take command or a fully qualified captain was available."

"But as one is not available, nor, as we both know, it there likely to be for some time, and you stated until one became available I am the captain of the Enterprise. There are several witnesses to that. I am the captain of the Enterprise."

"And you knew the only way you would get it was by staging my death." There were gasps as Kirk slowly walked up to the slightly raised platform and looked at Collins. Somewhere deep inside him Kirk felt a strange satisfaction at seeing how Collins was reacting, seeing how the man was slowly crumbling as he started to realize everything he had done was for nothing. It oddly was more satisfying than physically beating the man. "You could not quite bring yourself to kill me but you were willing to drug me, confuse me, and sell me to the higher bidder, right? Then you ensured Mister Spock was mentally pushed too far, would not be medically cleared to command. When you realized that my First Officer had saved me from the hell hole you had me in you had to make sure he never told, didn't you? Using drugs to turn me against his was not enough, was it? You had to make it look like my death was an accident and that yet another malfunction killed Spock so there would be no loose ends connected to you."

"Oh, he died then." Collins smiled at him, "I was going to return to see if he needed more persuasion to tell me where you were. Vulcans do not last long in cold temperatures for some reason. If he had told me I would have switched off the system and he would have been very cold but not frozen." He paused and looked around, seeming to suddenly be aware of where he was and who had heard him. Clearly knowing he was already in serious trouble he smiled at Kirk, "You better find a less gullible First Officer to replace him. Do you know I think he actually believed I just might let him search for you if he would just,"


	13. Chapter 13

"Owwwww!" Collins quickly bent over, grabbing at his crotch, and falling. Kirk looked to see Uhura momentarily standing next to him holding an empty coffee cup and, to others, looking upset by the accident but Kirk saw the deep satisfaction in her brown eyes. Quickly she bent down, others would think she was helping Collins but Kirk heard her hurried whisper to Collins in that calm controlled way she had that was a clear and unmistakable threat, "If you ever, ever mention to anybody anywhere at any time in any situation what you did to Mister Spock on the bridge you better learn to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life and always walk with your back against a wall as there isn't a starbase, station, outpost, or a ship in the known galaxy I do not have contacts on and those contacts would do anything, and I do mean anything, for me without question. Understand?"

"Yes, I understand." Kirk heard the submission and fear in the voice and saw a smile flash across Uhura's face as she stood and looked at him before she turned to face the others with a semi-startled look on her face.

"I'm so sorry, it was clumsy of me but the Commodore will be fine now." Kirk had to repress his own smile as she straightened, tugged down her jacket as she stood, and looked at him before she whispered, "Someone had to come and watch you, Captain. He would never forgive us if we let you do anything rash."

"Then he's,"

She shook her head and he saw the honesty and worry in her eyes, "No change."

Admiral Hadlow was the first to speak, "Captain Kirk, we had received reports that you had been killed. We had suspicions Collins was after a ship, some say they had heard him mention the Enterprise and you being able to help him, but we had no idea he would do anything like this to get one. Perhaps we should have suspected something as many of his promotions were at a cost to other officers but he had never done anything this extreme, never attempted murder before. Is your First,"

"Mister Spock is in critical condition. Collins was the last to be with him."

"And from what we all just heard he made an attempt to kill him. We will handle that matter from here. You, no doubt, would prefer to be with your First Officer while there is still time rather than at a function such as this. That is understandable. Any report Commodore Collins has made on the Enterprise will be discredited as prejudiced and ignored. You will let us know if or when a replacement officer is needed? Mister Spock was such a first class First Officer and Science Officer it will be difficult to find just one officer for the role so we might well have to find a First Officer and a Science Officer for you unless you already have,"

"Yes, I," suddenly Kirk found he could not think of a replacement, two replacements. How could they expect him to think of that now? The rest of the crew, his crew, knew what to do till Spock was, was. Even the breathing exercises Spock had taught him years ago were not calming him. He could not, would not think of Spock not being here. A part of him was aware he was being looked at by the others there, he was aware he should say something else but just the thought of Spock not being with him on the Enterprise totally numbed him.

There was the awareness of a hard firmly gripping his upper arm, then that soft yet commanding voice he had heard so many times on the bridge, "Admiral Hadlow, you will be kept appraised of the situation. As Communications Officer of the Enterprise I will ensure you are notified of any change in Mister Spock's condition. Now, if you will excuse us, we are needed back on the Enterprise."

Through the numbness that enveloped him Kirk was aware of Admiral Hadlow looking at him then at Uhura, "That would be appreciated, Lieutenant Uhura. I will have new orders for the Enterprise within twenty-four hours."

"Acknowledged and thank you, Sir."

Instead of taking him directly to the ship Uhura took him to a small room just off the room that had been set up with snacks and coffee and had him sit in a chair while she got them both a cup of coffee. She smiled at him, "I seem to have spilled my last cup. Feeling better?" The coffee had tasted good and Kirk suspected she had asked for a special blend.

"Uhura, I," he looked at her and saw the concern in her eyes. Kirk knew there was a special friendship between her and Spock, a deep platonic friendship that had weathered so many storms. It was no secret in Starfleet that his bridge crew was the best but what was not known was that they were also a family. Uhura could be a mother hen, a caring sister, or a demanding and controlling grandmother despite being too young for that role. It had not surprised Kirk that Hadlow had known her rank and name.

"He would expect us to take care of you, Captain. I still have not forgotten how you treated him, what you said to him. I know it was due to the drugs and treatment you received but I never thought you, you of all beings, could be turned against Spock like that, could say things like that to him or about him. I am so pleased that Collins was wearing his dress uniform and had the jacket open and that that cup of coffee was very freshly brewed," she gave a mischievous smile, "I found it far too hot to drink. He will need medical attention. As it was an accident I cannot be charged with what happened." she paused for a moment then looked at him, seeming to look into him, "I want to believe I followed you to the meeting to protect you but I know I did so because of him and for him. It would be what he would expect of me, of us. The following you. I do not think he would approve of the accident."

He looked at her over his half-drunk cup of coffee and gave her an understanding nod. He did understand only too well. He also heard what she said. Us. Us as in the pack pack. His pack. Somewhere deep inside him he not only thanked her for her actions but also knew that Spock would not have openly approved of the accident.

McCoy looked at him as he walked into Sickbay with Uhura and slowly shook his head. He had known McCoy long enough to be able to read what so many seemingly minor things meant and he could tell from how he was standing by the bed, how he had his hand close to Spock's hand, that things were worse than he wanted to accept. From just looking at the expression about the blue eyes Kirk knew how frustrated at not being able to do anything his friend was. While he did not fully understand the diagnostic board's finer points Kirk knew the readings were wrong for Spock and that the temperature register was far, far below the Vulcan norm. It had dropped even further since he had seen it last. It was far too low.

Kirk was aware the blue eyes had never left his face as he walked up to the bed. "He simply is not responding, Jim. It is like he has stopped fighting. I can't do much more."

Again that sinister voice in his head, "_You see now that not only can Vulcans beg but they can also say and mean goodbye._" When he closed his eyes Kirk saw that look, that steely determined look Spock would have when his mind was set, when he had said "_I will ensure I __**never disturb your life again**__. I will ensure. __**I will ensure**__."_

"Can, can I take him to his quarters?"

"Out of the question, Jim."

"Then can I be alone with him for a few minutes?"

"Of course, we'll just go over to,"

"No, I want Sickbay empty for a few minutes."

"Jim,"

"Bones,"

"You two vant to vork that out while the rest of us are going for a cup of coffee or do you vant to join us, Doctor McCoy?"

Kirk saw McCoy look at Chekov who had the others waiting by the door as well as the few medical staff who had also been in Sickbay. He saw McCoy look at Spock then slowly nod. "A cup of coffee is just what I need."

When they had gone Kirk said a silent prayer of thanks to Chekov then walked over to the narrow bed and looked at his friend. Slowly he removed his boots and his shirt, lifted the blanket, and climbed onto to the bed, rolling Spock onto his side so that they could lie together before lowering the blanket to cover them. He could not remember a time when the Vulcan had ever felt so cold. Carefully he slid one arm under his friend and wrapped his other arm over him, drawing him close in a tight embrace. With his head resting close to the Vulcan's he whispered, "It's me, Spock. It's Jim. Feel me, Spock. Take my strength. Take my warmth. Take what you need just do not leave me. I am so sorry for what I said, how I treated you. I acted like an asshole as I believed them at the time, I believed what I thought was real, I believed their lies. Don't leave me. Not like this. Not like this. Please don't leave me. I need you."

Kirk half-smiled as he moved and pulled the Vulcan closer to him, "Damned if Bones wasn't right. You are the better half of me; you're the half I love. I don't want to live without that half of me. I, I don't think I can live without that part of me."

After a long time the Vulcan in his arms moved slightly, Kirk felt him fractionally move his head and marginally change the position of his arms before going still again. There was not the usual Vulcan body warmth in the form he was holding, no response, no sign of any real awareness. Strictly what Bones would call muscular reaction.

Kirk tightened his hold, hoping that somehow his friend could take comfort in knowing he was there, that his friend could feel that he was so sorry for what he had said, that by some weird Vulcan way Spock could take some strength from him, "I'm right here and I'm not going to leave you, Spock. You never really left me. You're not going to leave me. You just sleep. I'm going to be right here. You just sleep, Spock. I'll stay right here as long as you sleep. I'll be right here as long as you need me."

Time lost all meaning as Kirk lay cradling Spock. He was next aware of the blanket being moved and opened his eyes to see McCoy adjusting the blanket, Spock still in his arms. Still. As fear rose in him he pushed his left hand hard against Spock's lower right ribs and waited. Relief rushed through him as he felt a heartbeating. He did not need to look beyond McCoy to know the others were not there. McCoy smiled, "They had a fairly good idea of what you needed, how you would be, and said to tell you they will take care of the other business with Scotty minding the store. His body core temp is still dangerously low. No change in most of the other readings."

For a moment Kirk closed his eyes. No change. Kirk heard the soft whirr of the hand held diagnostic reader and waited for McCoy to tell him everything was fine. He heard McCoy use the scanner a second time and waited to hear the results but McCoy was silent. An unease started to build in Kirk as he remembered McCoy had said there was no change in most of the other readings, meaning there had been a change. McCoy had been silent far too long.

"Bones?"


	14. Chapter 14

"Jim, I want you to get off the bed."

"Bones, I need,"

"I want you to get out off that bed now, Jim."

"Please Bones,"

"I want you to get off the bed, go have something to eat, a wash, check on the ship if you want to, and come back."

"He's going to,"

"There is a very, very, very slight improvement but he is an extremely long way from my being able to do more than monitor him. He still seems totally unwilling to fight. If he were Human there are drugs and other treatments I could use but that damned hybrid system of his means it is all up to him. He has to want to live enough to fight for it. At the moment I do not know if he wants to."

"I have to,"

"Obey your doctor's orders, Jim. I do not want to make it an official order. Go talk with your crew."

Softly Kirk stroked the dark bangs into place and whispered, "I will be back, Spock. McCoy will take care of you but I will be back soon. You just rest. **I will be back**."

"Jim, you also have to talk with Uhura."

Slowly and carefully Kirk moved out of the bed and pulled his shirt and boots back on, all the while trying to figure out why McCoy would think he had to talk with Uhura. When he stood up he looked at McCoy, "Uhura? Why?"

"We seem to have had a slight problem with the recordings made on the bridge. Seems the higher echelon, while reviewing Collins's actions, realized they are missing a few minutes of an exchange between Collins and Spock. Oddly while Collins is admitting there was more he is only saying it was a disagreement they had about looking for you. Uhura told them she was unable to explain it but would make a thorough check of the system. When she said she would prefer to do it alone but would welcome any expert help they might want to send they said her inspection and report would suffice. I think that, saying their experts could check, must have made them think she had nothing to hide."

"She risked her career doing that."

"Dhe wold have known but she was not going to let another person see what we saw. That's why she asked me to destroy that disc. Sulu helped me turn it into dust and Scotty put in the toxic waste system. Nobody will see that or know that that happened apart from those who were there. Now go, go wash and change your clothes, go see you crew, go look at your ship, and Jim," the blue eyes looked steadily at him and Kirk saw the friendship and the understanding there, "**go be the captain**. I will be right here and will contact you if there is any change."

Kirk looked at the registers, memorizing their settings then looked at McCoy, "**Any change** at all, understood Bones?"

McCoy just nodded his reply.

Once Kirk had left McCoy looked at the registers. He knew from how Kirk had studied them that Kirk would have memorized their exact readings, knew from how Kirk had looked at Spock that he was terrified about leaving Spock. On the younger man's face he had seen a haunted look and knew that Kirk was blaming himself for all that had happened to Spock. About the eyes had been the distinct look of self-recrimination and fear. He wanted to tell Kirk that Spock would still be alive when he got back but he had never seen the Vulcan's readings so low. So many times before he had been able to keep one or the other from slipping away but, as he looked at his friend so still on the bed, this time he was not sure he could. Usually there was that blasted connection the two men had that helped keep them so invisibly connected but Jim's tirade seemed to have totally severed that. As he had watched Kirk slowly walk out of Sickbay he was sure of it as the man looked like a man alone in the world.

There was something niggling at the back of his mind as he lightly adjusted the blanket on Spock, briefly holding the long-fingered hands in his own. "I have no doubt that if you were aware of me holding your hands like this you would ask me what my reasoning for it is. Well, I'll tell you anyway. It is illogical but I feel like I can hold you here, to this life, long enough for you to want to come back, even if just to tell me it is illogical and fully explain to me why. You would give me Vulcan logic and tell me what Vulcan healers would do would not involve holding hands. You would say Vulcan healers,"

Vulcan healers. That was a part of it. Something he had read about Vulcan healers doing in such cases. Something that he had read of in other cultures, including some very old Earth ones, but with variations. He gently squeezed the hands, "I may give you a display of real human emotionalism soon.".

"Sickbay to the Bridge, Uhura, could you come to,"

"Is Spock," he heard the controlled panic in her voice.

"He is still unresponsive but I need to talk with you about,"

"Officer Stelton, relieve for me."

McCoy smiled to himself. How often had that happened among the seven of them? How many times had he seen how the others would drop whatever they were doing if one of the others needed them or was in trouble? How many times had he rushed out leaving Nurse Chapel or Doctor M'Benga in charge? So many times only one would be told and yet the others would turn up without a word being said. If what he was thinking was more than just a myth then that was the core of what he needed to talk with Uhura about.

Uhura all but charged into Sickbay, only slowing as she neared the bed Spock was on. Gently but briefly she placed her hand on his, said softly, "I'm here, Spock. Stelton is at my station; she's young but she is very good. I will come back later. You just rest." then she turned to face McCoy.

"What can I do?"


	15. Chapter 15

"Now do not think I am crazy but I was wondering if you had ever been told of the old Earth custom of family circles to help patients? The Vulcan healers used to use joined hands of family to,"

"To contact with the innermost part of the patient to show them how much they were loved, needed, and cared about." Uhura nodded. "My great-grandmother on my mother's side used to tell me of the ways of the ancients, as she called them. She remembered as a young child being at one where an uncle had been injured and the doctors said he was going to die but her mother refused to believe it and," she looked at Spock for a moment then back at McCoy, "The six of us are as close as any of us have as a family have off planet."

McCoy nodded, "Do you remember if she told you what they did and what happened?"

Just by looking at her face McCoy could see Uhura was remembering and getting a bit more hopeful and brighter, "She, she said that her mother had to hold both his hands and continually talk softly to him as she was the closest family member to him emotionally. She had to keep talking while the others took turns placing their hands on his face. No, they had to place one hand on his cheek and the other stroking the top of his head and tell him what he meant to them. She had to keep talking to the uncle while the others also talked so the uncle was flooded with love. They each did it and then sat with their hands on his bare chest and head just sitting there while the one holding his hands kept talking from sunset to sunrise. Despite what the doctors had said the uncle lived another fifteen years, died six days after his hundred and sixth birthday after having been part of a rescue party, died saving the four members of his squad. Do you really think,"

"Nothing else is working. Even when he was with Jim nothing really significant happened and I thought that if anything could pull him back it would have been that. There was a very slight change, an extremely minimal improvement, but it is like he no longer cares."

Uhura shook her head, "You saw and heard what he did, we all did. You also know, as we do, that he has fought so long and so hard for the Captain and us. You know how he told us not to get involved, to just do our duties and he would keep Collins off us, how he protected us from that mad man. He was emotionally and physically shattered enough and then what the Captain did,"

McCoy shook his head, "It had been my idea. I thought Spock could tell him what was going on without the emotions, it was all I could think of to get Jim to understand the situation, to see what Collins was really like. I had no idea what he had been exposed to had played havoc with his mind to that extent. I just did not think Jim would ever genuinely react like that towards Spock."

"We, we have to do it in his quarters."

"His quarters?"

"They had to have the patient in familiar surroundings, places where the patient was relaxed. It was all for the patient. I remember my great grandmother talking about a large dog being there and having his hand on it as it was his long time companion and they were almost inseparable."

"Thank goodness he had no sehlat here." McCoy tried to smile and saw Uhura attempt to smile back.

"I'll get the others, you get the Captain." Uhura stood and lightly touched Spock's forehead, "I'll see you in your quarters."

Taking a deep breath McCoy went to his com unit and decided to risk trying Kirk's quarters first and was surprised when he was there.

"Jim, could you come down, now?"

"Is he?"

"Just get down here."

For the second time within twenty-four hours Kirk raced through his ship, this time consciously praying that his friend was still alive yet hearing something in McCoy's voice that unnerved him. Something was not right.

Arriving at Sickbay Kirk did not stop till he had reached Spock and saw he was still alive only then did he look at McCoy.

"Now we wait for the others."

"The others? Wait? Why? What's wrong?" Kirk looked at the registers and saw they had changed for the worse. "Bones."

"Just hold his hands, Jim. Just hold both his hands and let him know you are here. Keep talking to him about what he means to you, about things you did together, things you plan to do together. We have to wait."

Slowly Kirk reached out and took both Spock's hands in his and held them together in his. Unconsciously he started to rub the backs of them with his thumbs as so many wonderful memories came to mind, as he thought of so many of the things they had talked about doing together at the next shore leave and beyond. "I'm back, Spock. I'm back and I'm not going to leave you. Bones hasn't told me what this is about but I am not going to leave you again."

One by one the others turned up, clearly having to wait for their relief officers. Once they were all there McCoy looked at them, "Now I do not know if this will or will not work but it is worth a try as I have tried everything else I know and he keeps slipping away from us. Uhura and I talked over an old way of healing where those close to the patient would gather and hold that patient's hands, touch the patient, and talk to the patient about good times and what the patient means to them." He was quiet for a moment expecting to be questioned about his sanity but saw them all nod. "We have to take him to his quarters as he needs familiar surroundings."

Although the others started to walk forward as though to pick up Spock, Kirk shook his head, carefully adjusted the blanket around Spock then gently lifted his friend in his arms and carried him through the corridors to the Vulcan's quarters. Nobody commented on the room's temperature but just stood for a moment looking down at the First Officer while McCoy told them what was to happen.


	16. Chapter 16

"Jim, you will hold his hands and talk to him, tell him what is in your heart, no holding back. Each of us will take turns talking to him at the same time you are doing that but we will have a hand on his cheek and one on his head. We will also talk to him of what he means to us, our fondest memories of things we've done together and then, after we have all done that we will sit with one of our hands on his chest and the other about his face while you keep talking to him. We continue this vigil of us touching him and you talking till he responds or," McCoy closed his eyes and shook his head, unwilling to say the rest.

"Or he tells us how illogical such a human action is." Scotty moved to stand at the head of the bed and, once Kirk and McCoy had the Vulcan settled on the bed, gently placed one hand on Spock's cheek and his other hand stroked Spock's hair.

"Now I nae can tell ye of the times I would have preferred to meet Nessie than ta deal with ye being with me bairns but ye have the touch with them. Ye are a marvel to watch as ye get them to do things I nae think the designers know. I do nae call many my friend but I think of ye as one and I need ye, laddie. I need my friend who questions my skills at times and who gets me home, unnoticed or not, when I have a wee bit too much off ship. Ye best just be resting, laddie. I can nae afford to lose a friend like ye. I'll be sitting here and waiting with the others till ye wake up."

"Talk to him, Jim," Kirk had held Spock's hands and listened to Scotty and McCoy's annoyed voice brought him the reminder he needed. "You have to talk at the same time. He has to hear mainly from you with us as sort of background voices and sensations."

Chekov moved in and placed his hands as Scotty had had his, "I know this is not a Russian treatment, Mister Spock, but I vill, like the others here, do anything to help you get vell. Since I came on the Enterprise you have been my starshego brata, my older brother. You vere always there for me to help me, to correct me, and to make me do better.I know you do not quit Mister Spock and you still have to show me the correct next step with that experiment we are doing about antimatter and propulsion as vell as the one on harnessing the power of solar flares. You know I vould never be able to do it alone just as you have known I vould not be on the Enterprise vithout you to encourage me, tutor me, and correct me. You know that I vould still like to try to,"

Kirk knew that Chekov would talk on and on about the experiments Spock was helping him with, although it was more a case of Spock's way of encouraging the young officer to do more, to learn more. "Spock, we are all here. Whenever we needed you you were always there and now that you need us we are all here. Like Scotty said, we are not leaving you so you better not be leaving us. There is still so much to learn, Spock, there is still so much to experience. And I want you with me as I learn and experience it. I need you with me when I see new things so that while I see the beauty and am nearly captivated by the emotions the beauty stirs in me you can explain to me the reality of it and the causes of it. I need you there for me after the shift when I need to talk something through, when I need a distraction like a game of chess to get my mind on something different, when I need a friend just to sit with me."

Kirk was dimly aware of Sulu moving in to take Chekov's place, "Mister Spock, I checked on those nine plants your mother sent you from Vulcan that you thought had died because of them being mistakenly been kept damp. I was able to save eight of them and I would guess that in about thirty or so standard days you will be able to pick a few leaves and have some Vulcan tea that is not replicated. I know you thought you had discarded them but I, I saw how you had looked at them before you placed them in the compost unit. When you were gone I dug through the compost and retrieved them, cleaned them up, and set up as close to the type of environment they are used to in my quarters. You so often had surprised me with finding different plants for me to admire or been able to get me a chance to fly different craft I knew I had to try my best to do that for you. Now I am looking forward to enjoying some of the tea with my friend when you have recovered and the leaves are ready."

"Now there's something **we have to do**, Spock." again Kirk found himself unconsciously rubbing the back of Spock's hands with his thumb, "You know that I am not fond of tea but I will try a cup of your Vulcan tea when you make it for me with those leaves. If you remember the first time I tried to make you a proper cup of tea and not one from the replicator I made it far too strong, and you still drank it. I have never made you a proper iced coffee sundae, so that is yet another thing for us to do."

A hand briefly touched his shoulder and Kirk heard Uhura whisper, "Talk to him about you feelings, Captain. From us he just needs to know we are here but he needs to hear **you**. He needs to hear what you feel deep inside. He needs all of you in your words."

He angrily watched as she took Sulu's place. Dammit, he had been telling Spock what he felt. He had been telling him what he had planned for their future, what he was going to do. As he watched Uhura as she just combed her fingers through Spock's hair, arranging it in the orderly style Spock was used to, Kirk realized she was right; he had not talked of his feelings.

"I'm sorry Mister Spock but I cannot do it again. I just cannot go back to my station if my friend is not at his next to me. I am so used to occasionally looking over at you working, at seeing you glance at me with acceptance and acknowledgement that I cannot go back when there is another officer there who will be there only as Science Officer. I no longer like being on the bridge without you there. It is cold and unfriendly. I know that is illogical and emotional but that is how I feel." Kirk was still looking at Uhura when she very softly started to sing, "_When I see you standing by me, I know there's nothing to fear, I can face whatever there may be, for I know that you are near."_

As Uhura sang on Kirk squeezed the hands in his, "I, i think that she is singing about us, Spock. I know all is well when you are by me. I feel that I can take on anything with you beside me. I don't want to go back to being scared and self-doubting again. Oh, I put on the mask of command, of being brave and self-assurance but that is all it is. It is like that Vulcan mask of impassiveness of yours. We both know each other too well. There are not enough words to say how sorry I am for what I said and did to you on the bridge, how I treated you. I never thought I was weak but that proved how weak I am without you there with me. All those days I could not escape seeing saw the projection of you that Collins had arranged, a projection of you leaving me and hearing over and over that you were leaving me, abandoning me. I, I started to believe it. I did believe it by the end and when I saw you I reacted as Collins knew I would. I still want to kill him for what he did to you, to me, to us but not only do I know you would not approve but also he is undergoing a full Starfleet investigation."

Just for a moment Kirk looked at Uhura and she looked at him as she finished singing then he looked back at his friend, "Well, he will be undergoing a full investigation after he has some medical attention. That sweet voice disguises a very vindictive vengeful vixen who can get her revenge in public while making it seem so innocent. I'll tell you about that later. You may not approve of it but it was far less than what I wanted to do. I need you to come back to me. I need you to forgive me. I need you as you to be with me as me not as officers but as friends. I need that chance to regain your trust in me."

McCoy nodded at Uhura as he placed one hand on Spock's cheek and stroked the sleek black hair, "I just hope you can hear us, Spock. I know you and I may fuss and fight a lot but I think that makes our friendship so special to me, makes you so special to me. It seems whenever I need to rage at another person I always seek you out. Whenever I am feeling unsure of myself I can go to you and, in that damned rational way you have, you make me think of other ways, once I calm down from my rantings. Now there have been times when I have accused you of being unfeeling but I think of the lot of us you feel the most, you feel more deeply than we do, you just do not show what you feel. Sure, you put that down to the whole Vulcan mumbo-jumbo but I think it is because you do not want to inflame our own emotions at times. You have no idea how many times I wanted you to yell at me, to cuss me out, to react but then that would not have been you. Truth is I would not know how to react if you did. It would not be you and I want you as you. I want my friend to come back. No, I need my friend to come back. I need that rational, logical, dispassionate hobgoblin who is my friend to come back. I need him to be with me to tell me how illogical and emotional I am. I need that quietly reassuring presence beside me. I am going to join the others we are going to sit here till you decide you want to come back."

Kirk looked at the others, now all standing around the bed with one of their hands on Spock's chest and the other around his face. He saw McCoy look at him and nod, "It's up to you and him, Jim. He needs to know you want him back and he has to want to come back. He needs to know that there is someone and something for him to come back to. Tell him again what is in your heart then just hold his hands and we wait."

One by one Kirk looked at the others and they each gave him a nod, they each had the look of hope. He looked back at Spock and realized he was still rubbing the back of the hands in his with his thumbs. So many things came to him but he remembered what Uhura had said and knew she was right, he had to tell of his feelings. "Do you know what seeing you like this is doing to me, Spock? To know that I drove you to this, to know that what I said to you and how I treated you did this to you is killing me. You heard what the others said: how Scotty called you a friend, Chekov thinks of you as his older brother, how Uhura refuses to go back to the bridge unless you are there, how Sulu wants to have some of that Vulcan tea with you, and you know that Bones will lose control of his emotions without you. You have to know that without you I will lose the better half of who I am not as a starship captain but as a person. You must know that without you in my life I will only be a shadow of who and what I am. I will perform my duties but I will merely be going through ingrained procedural motions. There will always be that emptiness in me that nothing can fill. I will exist but without you in my life I will not fully live."

For a moment Kirk looked at McCoy and saw his friend was feeling the same then he looked back at Spock, "Nothing is going to get me to let go of you, Spock. I am going to hold on to you till you decide you want to either leave or come back."

Christine Chapel had turned off the communications into the area off from the rest of the ship and had been quietly been coming and going and passing on the latest to the rest of the ship. None of the six sitting around Spock was aware of the time passing, all just concentrating on their silent friend.

There had been something unusual when Christine Chapel had walked in with Doctor M'Benga that made all of them briefly look away from Spock, "Excuse me, Captain but Admiral Hadlow came aboard and insisted on speaking with you."

The six looked at each other. This was serious as junior officers did not say no to an Admiral. "I am afraid we have had a bit of an altercation and have an officer in confinement to his quarters when the Admiral refused to leave."

Kirk looked first at Christine and saw a faint smile then back at M'Benga, "Confinement to his quarters?"

"I was in the transporter room when the Admiral beamed aboard and I explained the situation to him. He said that it was important for him to talk with you. The security officer now in confinement stepped directly in front of him and asked him if there was some emergency that no other ship or crew could deal with. When he said there wasn't the officer said, and I quote, _If you wish either myself or Doctor M'Benga can pass on a message but until Mister Spock either recovers or dies this ship and its complement are staying as and where we are, Sir, and __**I am going to ensure nobody will disturb**__ the senior crew who are in with him." _M'Benga smiled at him and Kirk felt some apprehension leave him, "The Admiral suggested he be sent to his quarters for a twenty-four hour confinement and then said he had come to see how Mister Spock was and to say we have another three standard days here, three days during which the other officers can have shore leave, before we can expect further orders. He said to tell you to contact him as soon as this situation is resolved."

"Thank you for informing me." Kirk looked at the man. "I take it the officer is posing no problems."

"None at all and the crew have started their shore leave rosters."

Chekov looked away from Spock and Kirk saw how he looked at M'Benga, "Just tell me it vas not Officer Frank Quinn."

"It was."

"Vill this go on his record?"

"No, the Admiral said it was not to be noted only dealt with. I may be wrong but I had the feeling the two of them had encountered one another before."

"There vas and the Admiral vould know that Frank vould physically stop him from getting here."

Kirk nodded, "Thank you for dealing with the situation and tell Officer Quinn I will see him when this is over."

Once they had gone Kirk looked back at his friend, "It is not just us who are waiting for you to come back, Spock. This whole crew is waiting for you. You can't just leave them or me."

Disjointed and taunting words came back to him, "_Get out of my sight and stay the hell out of my life, you cold __**sick half-breed. **__I never have nor would I ever abandon you._ _As it is your stated wish I will take my leave of you, James Tiberous Kirk. I will ensure I never disturb your life again._"

"Do you realize, Spock, that you are actually lying to me? You said you would never abandon me but you are. Oh, I know I said I wanted you to stay the hell out of my life but I was still believing what Collins had made me believe. I was so confused but would not accept that I was. When I accused you of abandoning me you told me you had never and would never abandon me. But you are planning to now. Dammit! I want you to disturb my life again! I want you to question me, to make me think of alternatives, to not be afraid to trust, to believe, and to embrace the foreign and different. I don't want you to abandon me to myself. I could not live like that; I could not live with myself without you there beside me. I cannot live without you, Spock."

For a moment there was a stillness then Uhura started to quietly sing, "_Spock, we are here and we will wait, our friend for you to decide, if some hell is to be our fate, without you there by our side. You mean far more than you can know, a friend like you is so rare, I only ask you not to go, there's so much we've yet to share. Spock, by now you must understand, we are here right to the end, you can feel that we are close at hand. We will not leave you, our friend. We __**will not leave you**__, our friend." _

Kirk realized they had all joined in in the last verse. He knew the others all had their own relationship or friendship with Spock but he also knew that what he had with the Vulcan was deeper, more meaningful, more, he looked at Spock and smiled, more emotionally changed.

At first he thought he had imagined it but when he looked at the others he saw by their faces they had felt Spock make a move. Slight but there.

* * *

**_A/N Still having a few good quakes (a 5.1 on last night) but wanted to get this out: more after the weekend. __Thanks for hanging in there and your reviews. __ Take care and have fun._**


	17. Chapter 17

Pure confusion and disorder filled Spock's mind. He recalled he had been so mentally and physically exhausted that when Collins had left in him the cell he had lain down on the cot, momentarily weakened and said farewell to Jim despite his friend and Captain telling him to stay the hell out of his life, and had let his body start to yield to the seemingly welcoming void. There had been a small part of his mind that had registered that Kirk had come down but that been too great a risk, he had risked so much to save and protect Kirk and Kirk had nullified that by putting himself at risk of recapture by Collins by his action.

Flashes of memories or hallucinations came to him as he felt wave after wave of human emotions wash over him, seeming to center on his chest and his head with the strongest current coming from his hands. The momentary nausea he felt was, he knew with certainty, was due to Doctor McCoy's administration of potions. He remembered arms, arms that radiated concern and love, carrying him from the cell. A warm clothed body against his, love radiating from it trying to lull him back to that world. But did he want that world? What if that feeling was just a momentary thing before the hate was revealed.

He saw again that look of pure hatred in those hazel eyes where he had always found love and understanding. He heard again those words he never thought he would hear directed at him from Kirk. In his memories was a time when he had been called similar things by Kirk but it had been different, then it had been to anger him to free him of the influence of spores. There had been a time when Kirk had been affected by rapid aging and had used similar terms. A time on a Romulan vessel. But those times he had understood the reasoning behind Kirk's words and there had not been the pure hatred in his eyes. But Kirk's words that echoed in his mind now were what Kirk had said when he first saw him. Words that clearly reflected what he really felt towards him_. "Lowly, traitorous, devious, scheming, disloyal, unfaithful, dishonest, duplicitous, deceitful, heartless, soulless back-stabbing son of a bitch. Get out of my sight and stay the hell out of my life, you cold __**sick half-breed." **_

Pushing that back were the waves he now was more aware of. Those voices he had heard, the waves of human emotions of love, friendship, concern, were dulling the sound of the hurtful words. It had taken him time but he recognized the voices of fellow officers. No, not fellow officers, friends. They had all called him a friend. The truth of what they said had been in their touch.

Over-riding all those emotions coming from the five hands on his chest and head was an avalanche of love, regret, shame, hope, and almost blinding friendship. As he concentrated on those emotions he sensed the buried self-loathing about what he had said eroding Kirk's being. He could not remember Kirk ever being so threatened by such feelings. He could feel the weight of the mortification pressing on his friend.

He had heard them sing in unison "_Spock, by now you must understand, we are here right to the end, you can feel that we are close at hand. We will not leave you, our friend. We __**will not leave you**__, our friend." _And heard how it was only that that beloved voice that sang,_ "__**I will not leave you**__, my friend." _

Clearly his body had responded to the sensations the emotions of these six humans had bombarded him. He knew he had to yield to the logic of responding.

His first conscious and deliberate action had been to squeeze back on the hands holding his, hands he was as familiar with as his own.

"Spock?" Kirk was controlling himself as he saw the dark eyes open and look around.

The first thing Spock had seen when he finally opened his eyes was the look of love in the hazel eyes watching him. "Ji," he stopped as emotions battered at him "Captain." He suddenly was almost overpowered by emotions of love, joy, excitement, near rapture. He closed his eyes. Their power was nearly overwhelming his control when heard a voice he recognized as Lieutenant Uhura's saying, "Hands off, everybody. Even you, Captain. He feels too much." Almost immediately the intensity faded but he felt the inner warmth such emotions left him. Yet there was a flicker of conflict in remembering what Kirk had said to him, how he had said it from the depth of himself. They were juxtaposed and therefore conflicting. Which did James Kirk really mean?

Kirk just sat looking at his friend. For a moment euphoria was too mild a term for what he felt when Spock had looked at him but then when he stopped himself from saying Jim he felt crushed. It seemed Spock remembered only what had happened before, what he had said, how he had acted. Everything in him screamed at him to grip those two long-fingered hands and not let go but he also knew that Spock would be battling with all the positive emotions of love and friendship that had hopefully flooded him. As he looked at his friend he was suddenly aware of how waiting like this was far, far worse than being in that command seat and looking at a Klingon warship with a glory-seeking captain.

On the bridge in that situation he knew what to do, he knew if he failed he would pay with over four hundred lives. Here he did not have do many lives to lose yet he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that if he lost this one's friendship he would have lost himself.


	18. Chapter 18

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With his shields back as they were meant to be and his human emotions under his control again Spock lay for a moment as he recalled what he had heard while in that void that filled with so many emotions of love, empathy, caring, and friendship. Each of those six he considered his closest human friends had helped him realize how much he was admired and respected as him. Through their physical contact he had discovered how they saw him not as a Vulcan, not as a human, but as a fellow being worthy of their friendship. One by one he remembered what they had said, all the while there had been that steady flow of love from Jim.

Slowly he opened his eyes and looked around, not surprised to see all six of them there. Jim sitting on the bed and the others standing on both sides but all looking at him with warmth and love clearly showing on the faces.

"Mister Scott, from your comments am I to believe you believe in the mythological beast that was alleged to inhabit a body of water in what was Old Earth Scotland?"

There was no escaping the smile on the older man's face, "Ah., Mister Spock, Nessie is there, maybe nae in reality but in the mind Nessie is there. Tis grand to see ye back with us."

Spock gave a slight nod, "It is good to be back. Rest assured that I still consider you to be the ship's miracle worker as there is no other being who could talk the engines into giving us more power, not other being who could use the minimum of equipment to get maximum output the way you do. I thank you for your participation in my return and the emotions you revealed to me."

When Spock looked at him the others saw how Chekov slightly moved as though realizing just how much Spock would have detected from his touch, Mister Chekov, I am honored that you consider me your starshego brata. I believe many children bastardized the word when they would call one not related to them a derogatory derogative from that, brat. I also am going to trust you to complete the experiment you started on solar flares as you are more than competent to do so."

There was a broad grin on Chekov's face, "I vill be pleased to show you what I have thought of to do. You vill most likely find errors but at the moment they are just what I vant to try."

Another slight nod preceded Spock's reply, "I am sure they will be interesting if perhaps illogical. You must know I have never thought of you as needing much instruction and I also believe that you will find that there is a Russian version of the treatment I thank you for so willingly assisting in."

Sulu stood straighter when Spock looked at him, "Mister Sulu I have only wanted to ensure that you had the opportunity to experience piloting as many craft as possible as I know of your fascination with such things. I also thought that the plants I located and took to you would extend not only your knowledge but also that of the Federation as I know of the detailed reports on your studies. I look forward to having a cup of tea with you and thank you not only for salvaging and growing those plants from Vulcan. I thank you for that encouragement to recover. You are sure to find Vulcan tea different."

Sulu nodded once, "I look forward to brewing it for you, Mister Spock."

Slowly Spock turned his head and looked at Uhura standing on the other side of the bed, "Lieutenant Uhura, I am expecting you on the Bridge when I return. I, too, find the bridge a less then friendly place when you are not at the Communications station. I am honored that my presence gives you confidence and reassurance. I thank you for your singing and your emotional outpouring that reminded me of and reassured me as to the value of remaining." It was difficult for most there not to at least smile as they saw Spock right eyebrow arch, "I must admit I am also most intrigued by what Captain Kirk alluded to by referring to you as a vengeful vixen."

Uhura reached out and patted Spock's shoulder, "I will tell you about that later. You just rest and let us take care of you for a bit."

There was no mistaking the slight change of expression on Spock's face when he looked at McCoy nor the look McCoy gave him. "Doctor McCoy, I have no doubt whatsoever that you would react in your usual highly emotional and illogical manner should I ever yell at you, cuss you out, or react in a way that would be considered unusual for me. I have been aware of your usual unusual intense concern about my well-being, your reluctance to leave me alone in the care of any of your staff, and your emotions toward me and I thank you for being so tenacious while also allowing me the dignity to decide. I was aware of your wanting me to return and also your gift of understanding should I have decided not to. I do however notice one aspect of what you said that is obviously incorrect."

McCoy saw the twinkle in the dark eyes looking at him and rocked on his feet, "And no doubt you are about to tell me just how I am incorrect."

"I would only point out you stated you were going to sit yet you are clearly standing."

"Just for that I will be keeping you in here for an extra ten standard hours after everybody leaves."

Kirk saw the nod the two exchanged before Spock looked at him. Those dark eyes were clearly searching for the truth, searching for what he was thinking and feeling, looking for what he might have been hiding. Very slowly Spock looked away from him and looked at the others one by one and said, "I thank you all for being here, for doing what you did on my behalf, but I require time alone with the Captain."

"Right you are, Mister Spock, the rest of us will go to ma quarters where we will have a wee dram from my special collection to celebrate your return to us as yourself. Tis grand to have ye back."

After they had gone Kirk looked at Spock and saw the Vulcan studying him. He knew that he had to explain so much to his friend and would have to be honest in his answers to all the questions Spock might ask. As he looked at the man Kirk wondered how he would react if it had been Spock who had spoken to him as he had spoken to him.

Spoken? No, he had not spoken to Spock, he had snarled, challenged, and aggressively verbally assaulted him. With his shields weakened by Collins Spock would not have had his usual defense. What would Spock's reaction be when he discovered what he had tried to hide from him? How would he be able to get this most logical of beings to understand his thinking?


	19. Chapter 19

As Spock looked at Kirk he could detect the fear he had sensed through their touch, the flicker of conflict in juxtaposed feelings. There was also something else there that he had seldom seen before when he looked at his Captain and friend; shame and great indecision. Could it be that there was some part of his friend that did not trust him?

"Captain, is there something troubling you?"

For a moment Kirk was taken aback but then again realized it was what he should have expected from his Vulcan friend. It also made him a bit uneasy with Spock calling him Captain and not Jim. Did his friend still feel uncertain about him? What had Spock seen in him that had made him ask? Why had he not called him Jim?

"Yes, there is something troubling me. Us."

In a strange way, with all his uncertainty, it hurt Kirk to see his friend's right eyebrow arch towards his fringe, "Us?"

Yes, us. What we had. What we are like now."

"Is there a difference between what we had and what we are like now?

"Don't give me that spiel about Vulcans not feeling things, not having emotions as I know you must feel there is a difference. You must be aware of a strangeness between us. A strangeness because I ruined what we were."

As Kirk watched the other eyebrow also arched upward, an indication that Spock was contemplating a serious question or problem, "What facts do you have to substantiate the statement that you ruined what we were?"

For a moment Kirk looked away. Where the hell did he start? From that first time he swore what he had thought was Spock leaving him in that hellhole? From his hateful ranting on the bridge? From confronting him in the cell when Bones had told him not to? He had been the one to stop trusting his closest friend, to stop believing in their special friendship, to verbally rip this special being to his core, and to use such unpardonable terms about him.

Not sure of exactly what he was going to say Kirk gripped both Spock's hands in his and looked at his friend. "For six days I was in a version of what we Humans call Hell, I had been trained not to break under such conditions but I did, Spock. I broke and blamed it on you. I believed the others had saved me as they were there when I woke us and realized I was safe. When I saw you I, I reacted like a madman. Boney would give it some fancy medical term, call it some sort of cathartic release or something, but at that moment I knew what I was saying and who I was saying it to and I did not stop. I loath myself for what I did to you and when I saw what you had done," for a moment Kirk hesitated and he was unsure how this proud and private soul would react but then knew there had to be the total honesty that had always been there between them now of all times, "when I saw how on the bridge you begged.,"

"You saw," a look close to panic flashed across Spock's face and Kirk knew he had seen it only because he knew that face so well and then saw a look close to mortification on it as he remembered not only the incident but also that it would have been recorded.

"After you left after my tirade Uhura made me watch the recording then Bones, Sulu, and Scotty ensured that nobody would ever know about what happened on the bridge but those who were there. I checked the recording she spliced into its place and it is perfect."

"I must thank her. I was unaware she had mastered what I had shown her to do only once. She took a great risk on my behalf."

"At first I could not understand her reaction to my reaction towards you. I would have staked my life on the fact she could never look at anybody on this ship with the pure disgust and total abhorrence the way she did at me before putting the disc in the display unit and storming out after asking it be destroyed after I watched it. After I saw it and realized all you had been doing for me during those six days; how you had protected my ship, taken my place in defending my crew, guarding my career against Collins I was set on seeing you and setting things right. Bones warned me against it, told me to give you time, explained how Collins had treated you but I would not listen. I only accepted what I wanted to do. I was aware that I had weakened and reacted as Collins had planned. I was furious at what he had done to me that, that," Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head as the full reality of what he had done washed over him.

He felt Spock squeeze his hand and opened his eyes to see two dark nonjudgmental eyes looking back at him, reading him, "Captain?"

The word made Kirk inwardly shiver as Spock still had not called him Jim, Spock was till using his rank and not his name. "That I went to see you **not thinking of what seeing me would do to you but only how I would feel**. Bones warned me but I was sure you had not been affected as much as **I** had, as much as Bones said you had been. I did not stop to think about it, let alone believe what it all would have done to you. I was sure that you would have thought of my reaction as merely a minor temper tantrum. But when I got there and you stood at attention with your back to me, when you would not face me, when you stopped yourself from calling me Jim, when you talked through Chekov and did not correct him I knew Bones had been right. It was if only then did I really see what Collins had done to you, what I had done to you. I knew how much I had hurt you and yet you had still thought of me by reminding me of Collins looking for me. I knew that there was no excuse for what I had done and said to you. I knew that I would have to somehow at least attempt to regain even a small proportion of your trust in me as I realized I had totally destroyed the one friendship that meant more to me than anything else I had ever known or possibly will ever know."

Spock just looked up at him as though knowing how Kirk needed to get all he wanted to say, knew he needed to say, out now.

"I had felt you in my head, calming me, reassuring me, but I tried to make myself believe I was doing that. I even made myself believe hearing you say farewell was a part of a nightmare. When I got to the cell and saw you laying so still, saw McCoy working on you, I realized it had not been a nightmare. When Chekov said Collis was behind it I had wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him in ways even the Klingons could not conceive. The others made me see what you had done, how you had kept them and the ship safe for me. They made me see that I had to confront Collins and I knew the best place to do that was at the meeting.

"Spock you would have been so proud yet shocked by Uhura's actions. Collins was about to mention you had begged on the bridge as she approached up and all but flung her cup of freshly brewed hot coffee at his crotch when she was close enough."

"Deliberate action?"

"Yes, but made to look like an accident and she let him know what would happen if he ever mentions what he made you do. She did something very minor compared with what I would have done. You do not have to worry about anybody finding out about what he did to you on the bridge."

Kirk paused for a moment, suddenly thankful that there was no recording of what took place when he had reacted to seeing Spock. Only those there would ever know and Kirk knew his crew well enough to know it would go no further.

"You still have not told me the **facts** you have to substantiate your statement that you ruined what we were. You have presented me with your version of the events that transpired and your reactions but you have not given me facts."

"Not given you the facts, Spock? I have given you more than enough reasons to prove I ruined what we had, what we were. How can you not see that I ruined all that?"

"What I see, Captain, is that you displayed in the only way you could have after all you had been exposed to. I have known for years, thanks largely to my Human mother then to Starfleet training, that Humans can often become highly emotionally reactive after prolonged periods of stress and or sensual depravity or confusion. I had not been aware of how the combined effort of having to deal with Collins as well as trying to quickly ascertain where you would be and carry out a rescue had greatly weakened my shields. I, I could not recall ever feeling so what could only be termed vulnerable and exposed like that before. I was ill-prepared for your words. When you came to the cell I thought I was doing what you had wanted, staying out of your life, and I needed to remind you that Collins would be looking for you. I apolo,"

Kirk quickly squeezed the hands in his and shook his head before fixing his gaze back on those steady dark eyes, "**Don't you dare apologize to me** for your reaction! I know it was not you intention to cause you upset me but it was my fault for attacking you as I had."

Jim, I felt I needed time alone to think over my next actions. I was not functioning as logically as I should have. I believe Mister Chekov understood which is why he reacted as he did when you came."

Kirk could barely contain his excitement and his relief. Spock had called him Jim again. "You have no idea how much I wanted to tackle Chekov and get into that cell and make you see how wrong I was, how sorry I was."

"I believe you would have found Chekov a most formidable opponent at the time as he does seem to have a protective streak that he keeps dormant and hidden under the tales of Russia."

Kirk smiled, "From the look he gave me I do not doubt that. I got the feeling that he was keeping me from getting close to you not only because of Collins but because of how I had acted, reacted when he brought you to see me."

For a moment Spock just looked at him and gradually Kirk was aware that he had not lost what he had feared. He had heard it in that beloved baritone voice, felt it in the return grip, and saw it on the face of his friend.

"If I might I would ask something of you, Jim."

* * *

A/N There is only another chapter to type up - the old stories were done on an electric typerwriter and am retyping them as/when I get time between planting my spring garden, being on-call as first responder, dealing with the doctors, and trying to fit in time for self and "personal trainer" (Border Collie who **insures** I exercise daily).


	20. Chapter 20

"Of course, Spock. What?" Kirk's first thought had been that Spock might want to meld with him, might want to see that he was hiding nothing. Although it was exposing his deepest self he was willing to do so if it meant Stock could again trust him.

"Could you ask Lieutenant Uhura to come see me. I will only need her presence for a few moments but I would like to talk privately with her before she has more than a dram of Mister Scott's liquor."

Just for a moment Kirk was stunned. This was not what he had been expecting but he accepted that Spock would want to talk with her and they had a friendship based not on anything physical but a mutual respect for each other and shared interests.

"I'll go get her and return when she returns to Scotty's quarters."

A silence momentarily filled Scott's quarters when he walked in, "Spock's fine, he just wants a private word with Uhura. I'll return to him when you return here."

Scotty handed him a glass as Uhura set her one down and looked at him, "I won't be long and I know how much is in my glass."

When Uhura entered Spock's quarters she at first thought he was sleeping as she approached the bed then heard him say, "Am I correct in assuming you deliberately caused a senior officer physical pain because of their treatment of me?"

Damn him, the Captain had told Spock about it. She knew what her Vulcan friend thought of such acts of violence but she had wanted to do much worse than she had, she had found out that the coffee had been hot enough by the time it reached it intended target to cause only superficial burns, but burns that would have been excruciatingly painful till he got medical attention. "Yes, I did and,"

"I thank you. Had I been able to I would have done worse for what he did to the Captain." Uhura saw the smile so few saw in her friend's eyes and heard it in his voice, "I also thank you for removing all records of,"

Uhura gripped his hand and gave it a squeeze, "Had I done anything so against who I am at my core I know you would have done the same for me. Nobody but the six of us **and it** will ever know what happened. I only kept it till the Captain saw it and then it was destroyed."

"You knew the Captain would be returning?"

"**I know you** and I knew you would find him. I know you two share something magical, something we do not understand, and I know you would not give up on us or him."

For a moment Spock just looked at her then she felt him gently squeeze her hands, "I also wish to thank you for your songs. I would also find the bridge to be a cold and unfriendly place if you were not there. We will talk more later."

"Okay, I'll come back later. I'll send the Captain back."

"No, not if he is enjoykng the company at the gathering."

While he had been in with the others Kirk had gone to Chekov, "How could you be so certain that the officer who stopped the Admiral was Officer Quinn and that the Admiral knew he would stop him getting to us?"

"Two years ago ve vere at Landon Station Six and so vas the Admiral and there vas a minor incident where ve vere almost over-run and Quinn vas the only one left able to repel them and he told the group vith the better veapons that they vould have to kill him to get past us. They said they only vanted the Admiral and Quinn said they vould have to kill him first. One of them threw a knife and Quinn almost bled out but him standing there as blood pooled at his feet stunned them. The Admiral heard about it, about Quinn. So he knew Quinn vould stop him getting to you."

Kirk had a dim memory of that, of the Admiral telling him he had an exceptional security team but that was about all. He shook his head, ashamed that he had not looked more into what had taken place for the Admiral to have said that.

Uhura walked in and over to him and looked at her glass, smiling as she picked it up, "Good, nobody did anything to it. Last time I left a glass here when I came back some unknown party had topped it up a bit." She looked at him, "He wants you to enjoy the gathering but I think we all know where you would rather be. He is very tired."

"Want me to come with you, Jim?" from the way McCoy was enjoying Scotty's wee dram Kirk knew he and the others would most likely have hangovers or at least headaches in a few hours.

"No, you just enjoy the celebration, Bones as it is something to celebrate."

"A double celebration, Jim-boy. We got you back and we got our hobgoblin back."

When he walked back into Spock's quarters the Vulcan had his eyes shut with the temperature lowered and the lights dimmed. Clearly he had not expected him to return so promptly.

"Spock?"

"There was no need for you to have left the function early, Jim. I believe Mister Scott might have been incorrect in the amount of liquor I suspect will be imbibed in his quarters. I would suspect it to be considerably more than a wee dram."

As Kirk sat on the bed and took his friend's hands he smiled, "Your suspicions would be correct. Considerably more than a wee dram will be consumed."

"You need not have left,"

"I will go back later to check how many have decided to sleep there tonight. I doubt if anything short of a red alert would get them away from the celebration at your recovery."

"I am sure it is also to celebrate your return, Jim."

For a long time there was a silence and Kirk wondered if Spock had really put it all behind him, if he had fully recovered from all that he and Collins had done to him. He wondered if Spock knew how much he wanted back what they had had.

As he looked up at his friend and his Captain, Spock wondered if he had really dealt with what had happened and they truly again had what they always had had. Through his hand that Kirk still held he felt great uncertainty and doubt as well as still a lingering of that self-loathing that he had sensed before.


	21. Chapter 21

"Spock,"

"Jim,"

The words were said in perfect unison and both men looked at one another, each suddenly aware that they were once again thinking almost as one, that what they had once had was lingering just beyond their grasp. For a moment they just looked at each other and then Kirk felt Spock pull his hand free and watched as he friend reached up, closed his eyes and nodded in response to the unspoken question before feeling those loving fingers touch his face in familiar places and freely opened his mind. As before there could be, would be, no barriers between them as each opened their mind to the other.

While Spock had thought his shields were strong the emotions that flooded into him through the link from Jim threatened to overwhelm him. He saw the images Jim had seen while in that cell, heard what he had heard, and understood how over six weeks his friend could not have sustained resistance to that. He felt the sense of betrayal the images and treatment Kirk had received had conditioned him to believe in a betrayal. Then the tremendous guilt that Kirk felt when he saw the recording of what Collins had done to him, when Collins had tormented him and had him beg on the bridge. And finally the guilt at not knowing how to get back the trust and the friend he had pushed away from him.

Kirk saw how Spock had protected his crew against Collins, saw how he had often challenged Collins's authority, saw all the times Spock had defended his crew against Collins's charges and demands, how he had spent hours studying the charts of all the buildings in the city where he could have been. There before him were the times Spock would stop what he was doing to send calming and reassuring messages through the link and how he had been so traumatized by the treatment he had received from Collins, and how Collins had sadistically deliberately humiliated him in front of the others by making Spock believe that there was the remotest of possibilities that by begging he would be allowed to search for him. The there had been the realization how, despite knowing Collins was going to kill him, Spock had chosen to freeze to death rather than tell Collins where he was. He felt how Spock, at first, was going to just slip into death but had clung to awareness long enough and the cold was shutting down his body, to say goodbye to him through the link. Spock felt Kirk's wonder about how his friend's last thought had been of him despite all that had been said and done to him by and because of that friend.

Through the link Spock felt the all-consuming fear of being alone coming from Jim. The crushing guilt of what he had done to his friend, the shame at what he had said to one of his two closest of friends, and the belief that he had lost that friend and trust forever. There was an uncertainty as to how he could captain again, how he could face what he would have to without knowing that there was somebody right there for him, beside him, supporting him in so many ways, and just there, just to his right side.

Slowly and carefully Spock used his skills to ease the painful memories of his friend into the deep recesses of his friend's mind where they would remain but not be easily accessed. He saw the torment leave Jim's face as he eased his hands away from him. Also on Jim's face was the indication that he accepted what he had seen in Spock's mind.

"Thank you, Spock. Are you,"

"I was honored to do it for you, Jim. I am fine though tired." He saw a flicker of disappointment on his friend's face, "But I would enjoy a game of chess, if you do not mind."

There was no denying the relief that swept over Kirk's face as he squeezed Spock's hands as he stood, "If you sure you are not too tired. I will just go get the board."

"I believe I can walk to your quarters, Jim."

As Kirk looked across the small table and the three tiers of the chess game at his friend contemplating his next move he was sure he felt something deep inside him smile and sing. He was on the ship he commanded and, more importantly, he had his best friend back. For a moment he looked at Spock as the Vulcan still contemplated his next move as Kirk had done yet another impulsive move. A smile took command of his face as he looked at Spock, his best friend had come back **for him and to him**.

**FIN**

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_Well, that's that one done and that leaves only another 26 as I did write my friend 30 TOS stories in her last year. So hard to believe that was 30 years ago. Hope you all enjoyed it. Possibly will not start retyping the next one till mid-week as need to get yardwork done so I have summer vegetables and berries. _


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